Friday, January 18, 2008

Corey is a Dickhead

The Media, The Beer and The Bullshit – Part Two

Corey, you’re a dickhead.

But, in some ways, it’s not your fault. In many ways it is, too. If those reading this have not yet become familiar with the story yet – here it is. I make no apologies whatsoever for any judgements I make about this story and the people involved in it, because, to break it down into terms that even Corey could understand – “You started it!.”

Corey is a sixteen year old living with his Mum and step Dad in a well kept and comfortable house in an outer eastern suburb of Melbourne. Corey’s parents had organised a Queensland holiday from which Corey pulled out at the last minute because he ‘had to work’. While his guardians were away he did some organising of his own in the form of a party at his home. Rather than a quiet gathering of a few of his closest chums to watch some sport or a Disney movie, he decided instead to ‘invite’ 500 well wishers and freeloaders via a message on My Space and a series of snowballing text messages.

To sum it all up simply, Corey’s event-management skills led to a rather unruly and noisy shit-fight breaking out in the street. 30 police, the Dog Squad and the Air Wing eventually restored order and calm to the proceedings, but not before extensive damage was done to the neighbouring properties, the streetscape, the windscreens of the attending police vehicles and the reputation of his parents within the neighbourhood. And, rather than repent or, at least, show some element of remorse, Corey chose instead to ride the wave of media generated hysteria that seems to be the standard response to outbreaks of dickheadedness today.

I say today because things are vastly different to than they were even a decade ago. You see, we were all a little like Corey at one stage of our lives and we all had elements of his mental make up at our disposal. We all at least thought about throwing a ‘do’ at our place while the ‘olds’ were out and we had probably enjoyed the fruits of forbidden underage drinking. What most of us didn’t have was a world wide technological means of letting every other minimally developed, lone-brain cell dependant operative know what was available.

We also all probably had just a small understanding of the implications of shouting such an open invitation from the mountain tops was likely to have. We also tended to obey directives from our elders, in particular those who towered over us physically and emotionally and particularly those who wore uniforms and carried side arms. So many things today have changed.

So Corey is a dickhead. In fact, he is a Grade ‘A’ certified window-licking, mouse-on-a-treadmill-brained, Eminem worshipping, Big Brother watching, Jackass educated dickhead of the tenth Order. But he is sixteen years old and he lives in the 21st century. His brain, like those of all other sixteen year olds before him, has not yet fully developed. He is a dickhead and does not respect, in order of importance;

Authority in general,
Parents and

And, as a result, he was unable or unwilling to foresee that the following things WOULD, in all probability, occur;

Many, many people would turn up to his party as a direct result of his internet invitation (he boasted that he wanted to get as many as possible to show), that most, if not all of these people would have similar, if not lower, mental responsibility capacity, that 500 people at a suburban house will NOT all be able to use the appropriate receptacles for both glass and bodily waste and that the neighbours and representatives of the local law enforcement agencies would not see ‘the funny side of all of it, and shit’. Corey, you are a dickhead.

He was probably aware, however, that the very same media machine that has created and glorified a whole cultural trend towards uncouth, anti-social, beer abusing and mind numbingly dull dickhead behaviour, would then try to turn him into a modern day Ferris Beuller -without the wit and innocent charm – and give him a minute of fame for each of his tender years. He may not have thought that his antics and his attitude would gain him world wide press coverage, but then, as I said, he is a different kind of 16 year old dickhead.

He lives in a world where young people don’t think too far ahead in terms of their career or future – so did I. He and his mates like to thumb their nose at ‘the man’ – so did I. He likes to see if he can score some grog to kick a party along – so did I. (Sorry, Mum.) He likes to have his mates over for a little shin-dig – so did I. This is probably where the similarities end. Remember, Corey is a dickhead.

I did not have the utter stupidity to light a fire and then say it wasn’t my fault that others let it burn. I did not show contempt, disrespect or indifference to my peers or my elders when I got busted red-handed causing a massive public nuisance. I was not so immature as to spout my mouth of at, in turn, the police who I would have wanted to protect me had one of my ‘close invited friends’ decided to take a whack at me, or the media who, having sniffed a story, ran it constantly for four days. Remember, Corey, don’t talk trash and act the big man and challenge your detractors to ‘take me on if you dare’ when the same media has already published your address. Dickhead.

I’m going to leave Corey here for now as he has had far more attention than any dickhead deserves. Unlike the similarly brain dead current affairs shows who have perpetuated his ‘fame’ and the radio stations supposedly run by grown adults who have thrown cash and contra at this re-tread to mumble the same drivel over and over. We deserve better.

And to the ‘promoters’ who are suggesting Corey can make tens of thousands of dollars ‘organising’ parties for them; don’t forget; this is a sixteen year old dickhead who is still less developed in maturity than most of the sixteen year old dickheads around and has displayed no greater ‘organisational’ skills than being able to turn on and operate a computer. I have a four year old who can do that. Think about it, eh?

By the way, Corey is a dickhead.

Prof. Pilsner

P.S. Corey is a dickhead

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