Thursday, March 27, 2008

Stuff I’d like to see

Reading through the local paper the other day I found myself suddenly contracting a sudden and unexpected case of ‘Old Codger Syndrome’ which is a clinically diagnosable affliction in which sufferers will yell at the newspaper or the TV with comments prefaced by the expression, “Now, in MY day...” and concluding with, “Really, what IS the world coming to?”

To be fair, I had had a bad day and the news was particularly annoying – see the post ‘COREY IS A DICKHEAD’ – but it did get me thinking about the things that I really wish I could see in everyday life. As you can probably guess, most were related to beer, brewing, beer sales, beer brewing, beer news, boobies and other beer related matters. But some jumped seemingly out of nowhere – although the beer that I had already enjoyed may have prompted some of them.

First, it would be nice if someone could pass a law that makes it severely illegal to use the words ‘restaurant’ and ‘McDonalds’ in the same sentence. Apart from their insidious abuse of the ‘Heart Tick’ references in their ads, they just seem corporately intent on world domination. I ‘spose if more and more of the world’s population can’t see their toes or their todgers as each year goes by then this might not be as difficult as you may think. Can we please force them to change their name to “The McFat Kid Factory”, or something equally appropriate?

Beer. Yes, some of the things that annoy me are beer related. Apart from the constant media reports about dickheads doing dickhead things after disrespecting the beer, I would like to see less ‘Idea Beers’ created by marketing men who are carrying on blissfully unaware that the company they work for has a brewing division. How about doing some ACTUAL research, instead of the ‘virtual’ focus group research that tries to tell you we need more low carb beers on the market and look at the possibility of creating some real, full flavoured and a little bit ‘out there’ beers like our friends in other beer drinking lands have been enjoying for decades now.

Next, can you people who insist on using mobile phones in public please note the following;

a) The technology employed by all mobile phone manufacturers ensures that the person to whom you are speaking can hear you as if they were in the same room. You do not need to shout as if they are as far away as they really are. O.K?

b) If the person to whom you are speaking says that they will see you in anything under ten minutes – THAT IS THE END OF THE CALL!! – for f&%#s sake wait to speak to them in person. Don’t begin your ‘private’ conversation while we are all still here. We don’t care and, by not seeing your friend in person, you may miss them making a “you are a wanker” gesture.

c) Regarding your ‘private’ conversations, we REALLY DO NOT CARE who’s up who and who’s not paying so shut the f#%k up. If you could climb out of your own arse for a second and hear yourself waffle on you would realise that your life really is as dull as it sounds to us. Thank you.

More on beer. I’d really like to see the increased use of boobies in beer advertising. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I’ve already bought a shed load of your beer anyway so why not reward me, retrospectively, for the gesture? And breweries everywhere are trying to get more women to drink their product and women always seem to be talking about boobies ALL the time! In fact, all I ever hear is comments from Mrs Pilsner like; ‘Why are you always talking about BOOBIES in your blog?’ or, ‘Were you just looking at her BOOBIES?’ and ‘There’s another ad with BOOBIES in it!’ See, always bangin on about them.

As I think of more things that are designed to annoy normal, well adjusted beer drinking folk, I will post them as well. Until then, stay positive, don’t let the dickheads and the wankers get you down -smile at them and picture your next beer – and then go and have a beer.

Prof. Pilsner

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Beer Reviews

Or, “How To Tell People Where To Go Without Really Having Been There Yourself”.

I’ve been reading a stack of beer reviews recently by way of researching articles for my blog. Yes, I do a small amount of preparation to get this site to such a high level of rabble. The reviews are generally well written and most of the spelling and punctuation is of a good standard but they all seem to be just short of the mark and I couldn’t quite nail what it was that was amiss.

Then I came across a telling and somewhat missing-jigsaw-puzzle-piece-putting-in thought in a book or on a site that I now cannot find or recall. So I am just going to rip it right off and send a shout out to the actual author and give him/her credit as due. Because it really summed up well the thing about which before I was talking. Of. Why reviews don’t quite cut the mustard. Or why they don’t quite ‘ferment the brew’ may be a better analogy.

Beer is not just malt, hops, yeast and water. It’s not all just bubbles and burps in a bottle. It isn’t just a thirst quenching beverage. It isn’t merely a way for multinational corporations to line the pockets of their directors, nor is it a charity designed to keep marketing men with more ideas than integrity off the streets. It is not just swill for the masses, though it can serve that purpose and it is not just a means of getting woofers to look more attractive though it does also serve that purpose. In fact it is all and none of these things. So how can a reviewer really tell you or me what is a nine out of ten beer and what is dishwater?

The simple answer is that, in reality, they can’t.

Because a beer, good or not good, is all about the occasion and it’s all about the place and the friends and the timing. A review can tell you wether or not a beer is light, dark or golden but it can’t convey the effect that the occasion had on the enjoyment of it. Can a beer, tried for the first time in the company of good mates, really taste the same – not better nor worse – than if you sip it at a desk with a review waiting? How do I tell you about the conversation that was being bandied about and the shit that was talked as a group of old mates downed some nicely poured, icy cold lagers over a four hour long catch up?

And so I am working on some ‘beer reviews’ of my own – I haven’t worked out what to call them other than beer reviews yet – which will hopefully convey the essence of the brew; colour, mouthfeel, bitterness and such, but with the emphasis on the ‘vibe’ of the beer. No star ratings or 5’s out of tens or anything so arbitrary or personally biased. Just the facts, m’aam.

Wish me luck.


Prof. Pilsner

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Beer the Media and the Bullshit – Part Two


Another piece of national news caught my eye, and my ire, during recently. It is a very sad story and I mean absolutely no disrespect to those involved nor do I mean, in any way, to make light of any persons situation but it seems indicative of the general ills that pervade our modern society and it is also, sadly, beer related.

The incident involves two women 20 and 23 years old who were sharing the dance floor in a club in Wollongong when they bumped into each other. I will use the magic word ‘allegedly’ at this point – feel free to insert it as required for the remainder of this paragraph. They began to argue; as you do, words were exchanged; as they are and then one of them smashed the other in the face with a glass. Now, this is not an original sin. Sadly, dickheads and dickheadettes have been reacting unthinkingly and showing poor judgement since God’s dog was a pup and they will probably continue to do so in the future.

What got me going was the headline and the gist of the article.


“A woman ‘glassed’ to the face and now blind in one eye has demanded
that pubs and clubs be forced to use toughened plastic cups.” “I want them
to take all glass out of pubs .. so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else.”
” I have lost my sight for the rest of my life over what? Just from going out
one night for a couple of drinks with friends.”

As sad and needless as this incident is, it really beggars belief that a newspaper would report such illogical and unnecessary proposals, delivered as they are, by someone who is clearly the victim of a traumatic and upsetting event. I have to assume that it is too soon and too close for her to think clearly. Again I apportion no blame, nor do I pretend to know what either party is going through, but I can’t see the point in playing the Ban Game either. Let’s ban billiard balls – she could have been sconed with one of them if the glasses had been plastic. Let’s ban selling anything in a bottle or a stubby, and then let’s get rid of bar stools – people have been beaned by furniture in pubs for eons. And don’t forget to remove all the ashtrays, mobile phones and car keys that could take an eye out.

And you can even take out an eye with a fist – or your finger – so let’s have them amputated and left at the door.

Or just get rid of dickheads instead.

And here is a tip for anyone who is out there enjoying a quiet ale or a few noisy lagers in a pub or club. Savour the taste of the beer in your glass and think about how sad it would be if we had to drink from plastic cups. It’s bad enough that we have to do this to an innocent beer at sporting events – and you rarely have major danger there, but to ban glass in bars is like banning cars from the road. It is not the nature of a car, or a glass, to harm anyone. It is not in the nature of a gun to kill or maim the innocent. It is however the person with the car or the gun or the glass who can control their actions.

And for those of us watching on with a cold beer in a clean glass; let’s hope that the next time someone starts to warm up a stink, the others in the vicinity might just walk away and let them rant, let them swear and carry on like a two bob watch and find somewhere else to stand. By the bar or next to a bouncer might work. Although I don’t think bouncers serve cold beer.

The article appeared in the Melbourne Herald Sun on Friday November 9, 2007 on page 23.

Stay safe out there and do what we all can to discourage ‘dickheadedness’ in our pubs, bars and clubs.

Prof. Pilsner
P.S. Are drunk chicks even really funny at all? Well, I guess they can be.