They're At It Again

This one comes from the letters to the Editor in the Melbourne Herald Sun a while back.
Under the sub-heading, “Nip Booze Culture in the Bud” – no Budweiser reference intended, I’m sure, although, if we could nip one modern day curse, it could well be ‘The King of Beers (Rear)’ – was this gem of beer bashing brainlessness;

“It’s not only the Government and MPs concerned about excessive alcohol consumption – so are thousands of families afflicted by this dreaded disease.” No argument so far, fair point. We all want to stop bingeing and the related social fall-out.

“Alcohol is now less expensive than bottled water.” Your point being? Careful, now.

“It’s time to tax it to the hilt, as is done with tobacco, label containers with health warnings and reduce advertising.” Now you’re just being a dickhead.

“Alcohol consumption can be lessened if we make the effort.” Perhaps if your brain had made more of an effort, you wouldn’t be copping this spray.

Does it ever occur to these ‘blame-gamers’ that maybe the price of bottled water is too high!?! Or that dickheaded beer disrespecting tools don’t look at the price of bottled water and say.”Hmm, bit rich, might just go a slab of VB instead.” Based on this logic, I could argue that cats’ piss is less expensive than beer so I am forced or encouraged to drink that! By the way, in this example I mean REAL cat piss, not Corona.

Yes, let’s tax beer and such ‘to the hilt’ so that ordinary, law abiding and self respecting enjoyers of nice things can be punished for the sins of the weak willed minority and the beer fuelled buffoonery of the mindless few. And maybe, in retaliation, we could force a tax on moccasins and mullets and going out in public without footwear so that those who disrespect basic social conventions can feel as pissed off as we beer drinkers feel when we are unfairly targeted.

I will also, at this point, make note that this particular letter to the editor did not specifically single out beer as the blighted alcohol curse, but so many others in the recent past have singled out beer that I felt the average person would reasonably expect that this was implied. So there.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

The Shout

Here at Beer Blokes we like to keep our readers informed and enlightened in as many aspects of the Beer World as we can think of, research or make up. With the best information, facts and figures as well as modest opinions, we think our friends are better able to make wise decisions when it comes to buying, brewing and drinking beer.

I have written before about how beer is a very egalitarian beverage. It is accepted universally and no one looks silly drinking it. Unless they are seriously pissed, then they can look particularly silly. And often very funny as well. What I mean is that a burly blue-singletted boof head called Bluey can not sip champagne from a crystal flute without looking just a bit ... odd. But a glamorous leggy socialite can sip a Stella Artois or a Beck’s and not look so odd. Unless she were to crack the cap between her McGits and then skol the whole stubby in one go while her similarly elegant companions chanted ‘Drinkitfaster, Drinkitfaster, Oi Oi Oi!

But you get what I mean. Beer is everybody’s’ drink but it still has some guidelines for etiquette. And perhaps the most important one to get right is The Shout.

The Shout is an integral part of the drinking culture and anyone who would attempt to bypass, derail or otherwise tamper with The Shout will soon be drinking alone. It is a venerable and ancient institution, although I think it is Australian made. I’ll have to look it up. Wait here.

Nup. There isn’t a lot to be found in the way of historical information on the net so I will have to give you all the straight guff from my own collection of books and such as well as a lifetime of experience.

The principle of The Shout is fairly straight forward. You buy yourself and your mate a beer. When you have finished your beers, your mate buys a beer for himself and one for you, in return. If there are more than just you and your mate in The Shout, then the beer total needs to be adjusted accordingly. The number of beers bought in each Shout is equal to the number of drinkers in The Shout. Simple. But, like most things in life, The Shout has traditions and responsibilities that must not be messed with.

Once in The Shout you have accepted a responsibility to your fellow drinkers. DO NOT accept beers from the others if you are unable or unwilling to fork out the ‘Laurie Nash’ when it is your turn to shout. DO NOT be in the toilet whenever your turn comes around. DO NOT ‘nurse’ your beer into old age thinking that you won’t have to buy if not everyone has finished. DO NOT get bent out of shape if the others begin to toss around subtle hints to encourage you to fulfil your obligations. These hints may range from such mutterings as; “It’s a bit dry over here”, or “Pity they don’t sell beer around here...Oh, they DO!?” to “Get off your fat jacksie and buy some bloody beers you lazy fat bastard!”

If for some reason you are not able to discharge your drinking duty, the correct procedure is to buy your round on your way out after making suitable heartfelt apologies to those you intend to leave behind. Do not leave your mates with the impression that they are not worthy of having you drink with them. This is very Un-Australian and Un-Blokey.

The Shout is essentially a creation of average easy thinking and easy drinking menfolk. For as long as we have had The Shout we have kept it simple and it works best when all the drinkers are having the same thing. This is due to the fact that the pubs in times of yore had as many as ten taps – all serving the same beer – and all the blokes were blissfully content to drink that what came out of the tap. Today the same pub may have sixteen taps dispensing different beers of varying styles from a dozen countries. But The Shout is inbuilt with an automatic default update setting. Beer is beer is beer.

Whatever is being drunk by the drinkers in The Shout can be accommodated. But what does happen if all the drinkers in The Shout are NOT drinking the same thing? The whole thing still works but it may need some adjustment. For example, if two or three are drinking light beer instead of heavy, The Shout still operates normally except that two or three are paying a little more for the other blokes drinks than the other blokes are paying for theirs. Likewise, if one or two are on the bourbons or the scotch, this can fit in provided all are in pre-agreement. There are a few minor exceptions to this guideline.

The bourbon boys should not switch between that and beers. Nor should anyone be permitted to ‘upsize’ outside of their shout. You can’t be buying pots for your mates and then decide “I might just have a quick Flaming Lamborghini, actually” when someone else is buying. The Shout works because you don’t even need to ask what the others want, just a quick nod and a point to indicate that you are ’up’. You may sit out of a particular round of The Shout without bringing social disrepute upon your family name – as long as you don’t sit out your shout. The other exception to The Shout guidelines is that it is perfectly reasonable and permissible to exclude any member who wants to drink Pimms, Pernod, Campari or Vodka Cruisers. Unless they are girls. They can drink poofy drinks, but not in The Shout.

This brings us to another aspect of drinking history that The Shout has had to deal with. It is the gender factor. It was not so long ago that women were not even allowed inside a public bar. They were confined to the Ladies Lounge to sip raspberry cordial or shandies if they were fortunate enough and it was quite simply unheard of for them to drink with the boys. Today it is expected that ‘a bit of skirt’ will be present when you step into a bar and it has become more and more common for women to be drinking beer with the boys. Brewers are now even ‘targeting’ the female sector of the market when developing and marketing beers. See Pure Blonde, Boag’s St. George and Corona.

Wether male or female, the rules of the shout are simple. Number of people in the shout must be equal to the number of shouts in the session. Ideally. We are still duty bound to be responsible drinkers and to care for our fellows and The Shout is sympathetic to this. Be sensible and don’t create a shout of fifteen or twenty blokes, all drinking pints or schooners, and then expect to pilot the Commodore home from the city to the outer suburbs. You will be lucky to get it as far as the outer car park. And if you get busted by Johnny Hopper, don’t blame it on The Shout. It’s all your doing.

So, enjoy The Shout, don’t disrespect The Shout and The Shout will live on for our sons and daughters to continue into future generations. Keep the flame of mateship and Blokehood alight as a beacon to those folk less well off than ourselves who don’t have pubs and beers and shouts.

In part two we will look further at the intricacies of The Shout and what happens when people try to rort the system. It will also contain a guide to Bad Shout People and How to Avoid them.

Cheers,
Prof. Plisner

Post Number One Hundred

Welcome to the special 100th Beer Blokes post.

These are a few of my Favourite Things

Slightly random departure from my usually scientific approach to these posts. Yeah, yeah, I hear you laughin’. Anyway, enjoy this noice poem what I wrote.


Ice in an Esky and foam on moustaches
Wheat beer that gives people celiac rashes
Beer drinking wankers all covered in bling
These are a few of my Favourite Things

Cream coloured Irish and crisp German Lagers
Dunkels and Ambers are some that I’d rather
Brown Ale in packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things

A Boag’s Draught a Tuborg Victoria Bitter
Weihenstephaner Pilsner’s a real dead set ripper
My old mate Robert who gets drunk and sings
These are a few of my favourite things

Draught from a keg or a can from a carton
Blokes on the drink who just can’t stop from fartin’
Singing and laughing and picking up flings
These are a few of my favourite things

Sweet malty pilsners and sour tasting witbiers
Blokes who when drunk act like Noddy and Big Ears
Warm hearty ales that the cold winter brings
These are a few of my favourite things

Marketing beer men who try hard to trick us
Girls in short dresses who show off their knickers
Hooters and boobies and jubbies and things
These are a few of my favourite things

Like a Dogbolter, or a Bee Sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
Then I don’t feel so bad

Back from a Break

It seems a little odd that in this age of technology that a brief get away with the family during the school holidays can mean a break from blogging, e-mailing and internetting. But the last week or so has seen this very scenario develop. And I can't say it was all that bad a thing

I guess the fact that I still had plenty of beer in the fridge and no real need to drive anywhere or be anywhere for anyone made it a little easier to be 'disconnected' and it certainly gave me the time to finish off a few half baked ideas and spell check a couple of work-in-progress-posts as well as getting the inspiration for a number of new articles and songs and poems.

In fact, just the right number of Erdinger Champ Weissbiers led to a poem about beer and boobies and whatnot that just flew into my head on a particuarly wild and windy night down on Westernport Bay. The next week, from last Wedesday to Sunday, was a write-off right-off for any creative writing as Mebourne battled on through some of the wildest windstorms in recent history and Prof. ilsner in his alte ego role with State Emergency Service was kept fairly busy as our crews plodded along through nearly 300 calls for assistance.

By way of making up to the readers for a lack of posts, I have prepared a special edition to celebrate my 100th post. I hope you all enjoy it. Stay Tuned.

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

Stuff I’d like to see

Reading through the local paper the other day I found myself suddenly contracting a sudden and unexpected case of ‘Old Codger Syndrome’ which is a clinically diagnosable affliction in which sufferers will yell at the newspaper or the TV with comments prefaced by the expression, “Now, in MY day...” and concluding with, “Really, what IS the world coming to?”

To be fair, I had had a bad day and the news was particularly annoying – see the post ‘COREY IS A DICKHEAD’ – but it did get me thinking about the things that I really wish I could see in everyday life. As you can probably guess, most were related to beer, brewing, beer sales, beer brewing, beer news, boobies and other beer related matters. But some jumped seemingly out of nowhere – although the beer that I had already enjoyed may have prompted some of them.

First, it would be nice if someone could pass a law that makes it severely illegal to use the words ‘restaurant’ and ‘McDonalds’ in the same sentence. Apart from their insidious abuse of the ‘Heart Tick’ references in their ads, they just seem corporately intent on world domination. I ‘spose if more and more of the world’s population can’t see their toes or their todgers as each year goes by then this might not be as difficult as you may think. Can we please force them to change their name to “The McFat Kid Factory”, or something equally appropriate?

Beer. Yes, some of the things that annoy me are beer related. Apart from the constant media reports about dickheads doing dickhead things after disrespecting the beer, I would like to see less ‘Idea Beers’ created by marketing men who are carrying on blissfully unaware that the company they work for has a brewing division. How about doing some ACTUAL research, instead of the ‘virtual’ focus group research that tries to tell you we need more low carb beers on the market and look at the possibility of creating some real, full flavoured and a little bit ‘out there’ beers like our friends in other beer drinking lands have been enjoying for decades now.

Next, can you people who insist on using mobile phones in public please note the following;

a) The technology employed by all mobile phone manufacturers ensures that the person to whom you are speaking can hear you as if they were in the same room. You do not need to shout as if they are as far away as they really are. O.K?

b) If the person to whom you are speaking says that they will see you in anything under ten minutes – THAT IS THE END OF THE CALL!! – for f&%#s sake wait to speak to them in person. Don’t begin your ‘private’ conversation while we are all still here. We don’t care and, by not seeing your friend in person, you may miss them making a “you are a wanker” gesture.

c) Regarding your ‘private’ conversations, we REALLY DO NOT CARE who’s up who and who’s not paying so shut the f#%k up. If you could climb out of your own arse for a second and hear yourself waffle on you would realise that your life really is as dull as it sounds to us. Thank you.

More on beer. I’d really like to see the increased use of boobies in beer advertising. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I’ve already bought a shed load of your beer anyway so why not reward me, retrospectively, for the gesture? And breweries everywhere are trying to get more women to drink their product and women always seem to be talking about boobies ALL the time! In fact, all I ever hear is comments from Mrs Pilsner like; ‘Why are you always talking about BOOBIES in your blog?’ or, ‘Were you just looking at her BOOBIES?’ and ‘There’s another ad with BOOBIES in it!’ See, always bangin on about them.

As I think of more things that are designed to annoy normal, well adjusted beer drinking folk, I will post them as well. Until then, stay positive, don’t let the dickheads and the wankers get you down -smile at them and picture your next beer – and then go and have a beer.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Reviews

Or, “How To Tell People Where To Go Without Really Having Been There Yourself”.

I’ve been reading a stack of beer reviews recently by way of researching articles for my blog. Yes, I do a small amount of preparation to get this site to such a high level of rabble. The reviews are generally well written and most of the spelling and punctuation is of a good standard but they all seem to be just short of the mark and I couldn’t quite nail what it was that was amiss.

Then I came across a telling and somewhat missing-jigsaw-puzzle-piece-putting-in thought in a book or on a site that I now cannot find or recall. So I am just going to rip it right off and send a shout out to the actual author and give him/her credit as due. Because it really summed up well the thing about which before I was talking. Of. Why reviews don’t quite cut the mustard. Or why they don’t quite ‘ferment the brew’ may be a better analogy.

Beer is not just malt, hops, yeast and water. It’s not all just bubbles and burps in a bottle. It isn’t just a thirst quenching beverage. It isn’t merely a way for multinational corporations to line the pockets of their directors, nor is it a charity designed to keep marketing men with more ideas than integrity off the streets. It is not just swill for the masses, though it can serve that purpose and it is not just a means of getting woofers to look more attractive though it does also serve that purpose. In fact it is all and none of these things. So how can a reviewer really tell you or me what is a nine out of ten beer and what is dishwater?

The simple answer is that, in reality, they can’t.

Because a beer, good or not good, is all about the occasion and it’s all about the place and the friends and the timing. A review can tell you wether or not a beer is light, dark or golden but it can’t convey the effect that the occasion had on the enjoyment of it. Can a beer, tried for the first time in the company of good mates, really taste the same – not better nor worse – than if you sip it at a desk with a review waiting? How do I tell you about the conversation that was being bandied about and the shit that was talked as a group of old mates downed some nicely poured, icy cold lagers over a four hour long catch up?

And so I am working on some ‘beer reviews’ of my own – I haven’t worked out what to call them other than beer reviews yet – which will hopefully convey the essence of the brew; colour, mouthfeel, bitterness and such, but with the emphasis on the ‘vibe’ of the beer. No star ratings or 5’s out of tens or anything so arbitrary or personally biased. Just the facts, m’aam.

Wish me luck.

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

The Beer the Media and the Bullshit – Part Two

WHY DON’T WE JUST BAN EVERYTHING?

Another piece of national news caught my eye, and my ire, during recently. It is a very sad story and I mean absolutely no disrespect to those involved nor do I mean, in any way, to make light of any persons situation but it seems indicative of the general ills that pervade our modern society and it is also, sadly, beer related.

The incident involves two women 20 and 23 years old who were sharing the dance floor in a club in Wollongong when they bumped into each other. I will use the magic word ‘allegedly’ at this point – feel free to insert it as required for the remainder of this paragraph. They began to argue; as you do, words were exchanged; as they are and then one of them smashed the other in the face with a glass. Now, this is not an original sin. Sadly, dickheads and dickheadettes have been reacting unthinkingly and showing poor judgement since God’s dog was a pup and they will probably continue to do so in the future.

What got me going was the headline and the gist of the article.

‘PLASTIC PLEA AFTER ATTACK’.

“A woman ‘glassed’ to the face and now blind in one eye has demanded
that pubs and clubs be forced to use toughened plastic cups.” “I want them
to take all glass out of pubs .. so that this doesn’t happen to anyone else.”
” I have lost my sight for the rest of my life over what? Just from going out
one night for a couple of drinks with friends.”

As sad and needless as this incident is, it really beggars belief that a newspaper would report such illogical and unnecessary proposals, delivered as they are, by someone who is clearly the victim of a traumatic and upsetting event. I have to assume that it is too soon and too close for her to think clearly. Again I apportion no blame, nor do I pretend to know what either party is going through, but I can’t see the point in playing the Ban Game either. Let’s ban billiard balls – she could have been sconed with one of them if the glasses had been plastic. Let’s ban selling anything in a bottle or a stubby, and then let’s get rid of bar stools – people have been beaned by furniture in pubs for eons. And don’t forget to remove all the ashtrays, mobile phones and car keys that could take an eye out.

And you can even take out an eye with a fist – or your finger – so let’s have them amputated and left at the door.

Or just get rid of dickheads instead.

And here is a tip for anyone who is out there enjoying a quiet ale or a few noisy lagers in a pub or club. Savour the taste of the beer in your glass and think about how sad it would be if we had to drink from plastic cups. It’s bad enough that we have to do this to an innocent beer at sporting events – and you rarely have major danger there, but to ban glass in bars is like banning cars from the road. It is not the nature of a car, or a glass, to harm anyone. It is not in the nature of a gun to kill or maim the innocent. It is however the person with the car or the gun or the glass who can control their actions.

And for those of us watching on with a cold beer in a clean glass; let’s hope that the next time someone starts to warm up a stink, the others in the vicinity might just walk away and let them rant, let them swear and carry on like a two bob watch and find somewhere else to stand. By the bar or next to a bouncer might work. Although I don’t think bouncers serve cold beer.

The article appeared in the Melbourne Herald Sun on Friday November 9, 2007 on page 23.

Stay safe out there and do what we all can to discourage ‘dickheadedness’ in our pubs, bars and clubs.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

P.S. Are drunk chicks even really funny at all? Well, I guess they can be.