Anniversary Beer

Mrs Pilsner and I recently celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and I expect that you would like to know how the good Professor treated his beloved lady Professor. I also expect that the comments box at the end of this post will feature many old gags about marriage and how criminals don’t get as many years for murder etc so bring ‘em on!

As to the celebration, Mrs Pilsner arranged for an overnight stay at one of Melbourne’s nicest hotels so I thought I’d stay there as well. It was my role to source and book the restaurant side of things. A visit to the Queen Victoria Market on the way home to pick up the kids has become something of a closing treat when we mark this special occasion, so day two was pretty much sorted for us.

Now, the only problem with choosing a restaurant in Melbourne is just that. Choice. Lots of choices. Too many choices. You could get your mate to fire you out of a cannon aimed out of your hotel window and you would land in a restaurant. Get him to make sure that the window is open first. And there’s a fair chance that you would land in a great restaurant. Or a bar with a terrific beer list. Or a restaurant with a great beer list. Either way, you win. And of all the problems you could have in life, an oversupply of great restaurants is pretty low on the ‘I wish to speak to someone in charge’ list of bothers.

There are so many more places in the city now that are taking the chance to branch out and serve a range of beers that would have been unheard of even a handful of years back. Bars and poky little holes-in-the-wall and hidden gems up lonely laneways are all welcoming a new breed of beer drinker – and not the ‘beer toffs’ (or tugs) and the elbow patched, bearded trainspotters like some beer cultures attract, but corporate types, students, party-down-ers, young and old, all looking for something different.

We wandered for a bit, dodging beggars, scammers and dickheads among the surging throng, until we found ourselves at Mrs Parma’s, a place I had on my radar for checking out. A nice enough place and friendly, which is always a good start. They pride themselves on being a supporter of Victorian micros and I was lucky enough to be kept happy with a 2 brothers ‘Rusty’ (a very quaffable Belgian style pale ale) and a Beechworth Celtic Red while Mrs Pilsner was kept happy with a glass of house bubbles and a packet of mixed nuts. A good selection of tap and bottle beers for a place that primarily supports those who love parmagianas done four hundred and thirty different ways and good on ‘em for getting some craft beers out there.

In the short time we were there I saw plenty of ‘Crownie and VB’ types cautiously ordering something a bit different. Every little bit helps and if these guys don’t go down in a screaming heap from trying a Wheat Beer instead of a Wife Beater* then that’s a good thing. They might just tell a mate and before you know it, the Good Beer World grows a bit bigger.

Leaving the brightish lights of Mrs Parma’s we headed back to the hotel restaurant. I figured that if the hotel was good enough to stay in, it should be good enough to eat in as well. The hotel is described as ‘grand’ and although I have no idea what a hotel has to do to be ‘grand’ other than be old, I can say that it was nice to be treated ‘grandly’ just for a night. The menu was varied and interesting and befitting a top class foodery and the wine list was not only extensive – about eight pages of extensive – but all encompassing of styles, regions and price tags. I couldn’t wait to see the beer list.

To say I was deflated would be to suggest that the night was spoiled, and it certainly wasn’t, but the food and wine offerings kind of led me to anticipate a range of beers which would include at least a few names I hadn’t yet experienced. The list was standard offerings of the sort you’d see in any place that put no thought about the beer list other than making sure there was at least one light beer. VB, Crown Lager, Boag’s Premium, Cascade, Stella Artois, Heineken and Corona – lagers all and loved by many – were joined by Guinness and Chimay as the token ‘ales’. And on a night so cold you didn’t want to lick a lamp post, a warm ale was what I wanted. An extensive selection of the same beer spelled different ways was not what such a refined and elegant dining room deserved.

Fortunately, hidden in amongst the ordinary was a single craft beer – well craft like – an all malt lager from Western Australia which hails from the same mega-brewerys’ portfolio from which all the other offerings were plucked and I guess that this is the reason it found its way on to the list. Having kicked the beer fridge, I have to say that a good beer, well poured by a friendly and attentive server made up for any disappointment I might have felt. Truth be known, I was more surprised than disappointed and the meal was amazingly good and well received.

We headed off next morning to the market and I immediately sought an antidote to my beer malaise at Sword’s Select. A couple of Bridge Road Brewer’s Pale Ales, a Baron’s ESB, some Moo Brew and a Bellarine Bitter and I was back on track! I should point out that I bought them, don’t want it to sound like I DRANK them. Straight away.

Already planning for next year’s anniversary dinner and I might START with the beer list first and choose the restaurant from there!

Happy anniversary, darling. Here’s to the next 17 years! Just let me see if I can find a nice beer to toast with ... should be a nice one here somewhere.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

*Yeah, I know, fancy putting a Wife Beater reference in a post about ya’ 17th wedding anniversary but I refer, of course, to the colloquial term for a bog-standard mainstream lager preferred in some places by those who tend to drink to many in a session. In Victoria, a Wife Beater is a VB, in Queensland it’s a XXXX, in the UK it’s Stella Artois and in Adelaide they don’t have one ‘cos they all gay! Just kiddin’. It’s West End.

So which is it?

Had a bit of a flashback the other day as I was blogging along. Last year I posted a bit called ‘Beer Myths’ (18/05/07) where we discussed washing your beer glasses and we looked at an issue that seems to refuse to die. Should you wash beer glasses using detergent? I stumbled across this post on a now long neglected blog;

“I was round my parents house the other day and my father and I where enjoying some of his home brew straight from the keg when my mother decided our glasses needed washing. I was rather annoyed to see that she was washing them with soap, as I have always been told that soap is the devil of beer glasses.

Soap can leave a film on the glass (even if you cannot see it) and can distort the flavor of the beer as well as reducing the head. I think we have all been in a bar or restaurant somewhere were the beer has virtually no head and looks filmy around the edges, this of course would be the place washing the glasses in soap. This includes all popular detergents and washing up liquids, don’t listen to anyone who tells you that some forms of soap are good for beer glasses - they are not.”

I happened upon this post and I realised that some myths just refuse to die. I’m not having a go at the author as, firstly, his site seems untouched for more than a year so it may not be corrected and secondly, it’s just an opinion. We all know about them. But, for the record, here is my opinion.

Hops, that most amazingly versatile little bud which gives our beer bitterness, flavour, aroma and preservative, is an oily substance in beer. As such it can leave an oily film on the empty glass, particularly once it dries. It will attract dirt and dust and stay there. This will not just wash off with water and will affect the next beer poured into it. Detergent, and there are plenty of commercial and industry specific types as well as domestic versions, is needed to remove this deposit from the glass and as long as the detergent is removed by proper rinsing the glass is then ‘beer clean’.

“The best method that I use for cleaning my beer glasses is simply and natural… water. After you finish using your glass simply rinse it out well in warm water making sure it is completely clean, it is best to rinse out immediately after drinking as this will reduce things sticking to the glass. Now just let sit and dry, or get a clean (must be clean) towel and dry off your glass. If you keep to this simple method you should always have a nice clean beer glass with no ‘extras’ in it.”

Yeah, water is OK and warm is better, but, after twenty years in the caper – and I’ve washed a few beer glasses – I’ll go for the detergent every time. Water just won’t get it. And if you like to drink with chicks (and who among us doesn’t?) take extra care as lipstick is a beer glass killer. And even worse? Smoke. Nicotine oils are an absolute head killer when it comes to beer. And smokes themselves have been a pain to bar staff everywhere for years!

Put as simply as I can, here it is; at home, rinse your glass as soon as you can after downing the last of your chosen brew. Cold tap water is fine. When you next do the dishes (by hand in the sink, not in the evil dishwasher, you know, cos of Global Warming {WOOOOOO!!! We’re all going to DIIIEEEEE!!} OK?), wash your glass first, before any dishes that might have last nights gravy stains and those unidentifiable bits left on the kids plates and use a bottle brush or cleanish wipe of some sort. Then rinse it in first warm then cool water until the water ‘sheets’ off the sides of the inside of the glass. Set aside and dry with a clean towel. Simple. If you are in a commercial bar, wait till tray is full, put tray in glasswasher, press ‘GO’ button and continue serving beers to punters.

So, make sure your glass is clean and your beer will have every chance of tasting just the way the brewer intended. Water and elbow grease will make it clean – of a sort – but detergent, rinsing and drying properly will make it beer clean.

“And keep you eye out on your mom!”

No, apologise to her; she was on the right track!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

It’s OK, problem solved!

After posting last week about the imminent death of the traditional British pub, I wake this morning to the morning paper and the news that British beer makes a comeback" “http://www.theage.com.au/news/news/british-beer-makes-a-comeback/2008/08/07/1217702201747.html”. Now that’s a turnaround that Lazarus would be proud of!

It seems that while the traditional pub may be in strife the traditional pint may be surging ahead. The report states that the global credit crunch and the soaring cost of living are making the drinker think more carefully when choosing his drink and that the long reign of mass produced lagers of international brewing giants may be coming to an end at the hands of better flavoured brews from smaller producers. As has been the case in Australia for some years now, less beer is being drunk, but what is being drunk is better.

“As people drink less beer than they used to, they also look for better, more flavoured beers. People are turning back to ales now,” said Fuller’s brand manager, David Spencer. Fuller’s claims to be London’s last remaining traditional family brewer. Their volume actually increased last year as the overall beer market copped a fairly savage decline. They have brewed on the same site for more than 350 years which is a fairly impressive statistic, especially to Australians who don’t have buildings of more than 200 odd years old. I am assuming that they have modernised their equipment in the ensuing centuries.

Of course, as it did around the globe, lager took over as the mainstream beer as it was of a more consistent quality, appealed more to women and those who liked a less ‘beery’ flavour and travelled better than its cask-contained beer brother. But as the beer world got larger and more global, the choice seems to have got smaller with different brands of essentially the same stuff and ale, and particularly real ale, has taken the opportunity to grab a renewed foothold into the market. Taste and flavour seem to be making a comeback.

Interestingly, this piece also cites Global Warming (WOOOOOOOOO!!! We’re al going to DIIIIEE!!!!) as a reason for the upturn as more punters look to source locally produced beers as they become more ‘environmentally conscious’. Hmmm.

The story also gives a shout out to the Great British Beer Festival held last week in West London which featured 450 different traditional beers – now THAT’S a beer festival! Also good to see the stats showing that the UK now boasts 600 microbreweries and 35 family brewers which suggest that, if they keep to the path, the future of decent beer is assured for future generations.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

P.S. I hope that the pictures I chose for this post are more ‘authentic’ than the ones I was ‘tricked’ into using for the last post!

Staggering research

Staggering research is under way to try to stop drunks falling victim to violence. This is the first line of a piece featuring in the Melbourne Herald Sun and it had me thinking that the ‘staggering’ referred to the enormity of the research or the massive cost of the research or the humungous intellect of the eminent scientists conducting the study. But, no, it is a bit of research looking at staggering. As in the wobbly walk conducted by people when they have been out on a lager frenzy.

This piece of research was conduced by a Welsh team (I can’t help thinking of Daffyd from ‘Little Britain’ in a white vinyl lab coat with the arse cheeks cut out) to produce a mathematical model that they hope will cut down alcohol related harm that drunks tend to bring on themselves.

Maths and being pissed? Hmmm. The best bit of this piece was not the fact that someone thought it necessary to calculate the probability of a pissed idiot walking into either a lamp post, another pissed idiot or his own shadow, but the unexpected facts that they uncovered.

First, temperatures of -6C and torrential rain at 3am were said to contribute to the difficulty of data collection. Fair enough, though not surprising for Wales at that time of year? Funnier still was the quote from the leader of the research operation, Dr Simon Moore who said, “The biggest problem with surveying drunks is that alcohol seems to make some people think they are the funniest people on earth.” And funnier still, ... “and that we, the surveyors, would be very interested in hearing all their really interesting stories.”

Researchers also fond that the drunker people were, the more willing they were to take part in the survey! A lesson there for telemarketers, Jehovah’s Witnesses and those people who stop you to ask market research questions about washing powder at shopping centres when you’ve got fourteen shopping bags, three kids and a deadline hanging off you.

The sober people were, not surprisingly, more interested in getting to the pub!

And the results? Well, strap yourselves in blokes, this is groundbreaking stuff! A blood alcohol reading of .22% was the point at which the ‘staggers’ set in. Good. Around 25% of those surveyed had found their way to this level. It found that sober pedestrians moved in an orderly ‘follow the leader’ pattern where pissed idiots movements were, wait for it, “more unpredictable” !!!!

Further, when 20% of the foot traffic was pissed idiots the flow was slowed by 9%. When EVERYBODY in the crowd was stonkered the traffic slowed by an ‘irritating’ 38%. But I guess if they were all pissed, nobody would notic. At least I’m sure nobody was able to get out a calculator and determine whether they were above or below industry standards.

They could have saved themselves, and us, a lot of time by A) Not stating the obvious, B) Staying indoors and looking out at pissed idiots, C) Making up all the numbers and percentages, we still would have been impressed and D) Suggesting that the best way to prevent injury to pissed idiots was to make all the lampposts, dustbins and footpaths out of the stuff they make Nerf balls from.

Staggering research

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Three chips or a walk to the Pub

Light beer, low carb beer, extra filtered and low calorie. It’s all beer but it is beer engineered for a sale more than for a sip.

Without going into all the technical and chemical engineering malarkey about how yeast and enzymes and malt and fermentables all combine and interact to become wonderful lovely beer, I will just say that beer ‘works’ at certain temperatures and in certain ways to come up with a beer tasting liquid of around 5% alcohol by volume and around 9-12% carbohydrates if left alone. Different malts, hops, yeasts and water can affect the taste profile, but the alcohol and carb levels kinda stay consistent.

If you want a low alcohol or low carb drop, you need to mess with the basic elements and the processes in a laboratory type setting by boffins in white coats with no friends and beer is all about friends so what’s the point? Really?

I have researched and analysed all the guff and whatnot surrounding carbs and beer and am compiling a very comprehensive post once I have fact checked it all. Stay tuned.

I will leave you all with this to ponder. If a full strength, craft brewed beer contains around 15 grams of carbs per stubby, and 100 grams of salt and vinegar chips contains about 67 grams of carbs, and low carb beer contains about a third of the carbs of regular beer, then the difference is about three chips. Or, cop the carbs and go for a walk to the pub or the bottle’oh instead of driving and the carbs are gone. Maybe we beer drinkers could outdo the greenies and the tree huggers and start a ‘carb-offset’ program?

There are plenty of very good beers going around at the minute and if you get out somewhere nice and try one you just might surprise yourself. Go on, find a new ‘favourite’.

Drink low carb beer if you like the taste, but don’t drink it because it is ‘good for you’. Then the marketing men get to win. Those bastards.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Bud Gorrrrn

Some world beer news in recent weeks has been the acquisition of Anheuser-Busch by InBev. A-B is the US brewing giant responsible for inflicting Budweiser on the world and InBev is the Belgian based even gianter operation responsible for buying plenty of other large beer brands and brewing concerns around the world and was the second biggest brewer in the whole wide world behind London based SabMiller. Now it is the biggest.

The people reading this takeover news fall loosely into three groups;

Those who are furious that a great American icon business is no more,
Those who think A-B has got a good dose of Beer Karma and,
Those who couldn’t care less.

In Australia a fourth group exists. Those who were unaware that Budweiser was a beverage containing beer.

I have been following the lobby groups and online petitions and letters to anybody who cares in the lead up to the sale and was fascinated by the loyalty shown to the brand. And the angst in the weeks since the sale shows just how parochial some drinkers can be about ‘their brew’ and how immune to the realities of business they can be at the same time.

Bud has never been especially big here in Australia (thankfully) and so we read of its ‘demise’ more with a passing interest than any real concern. Readers of this blog would have followed the story concerning the ongoing stoush between A-B and Budvar over the use of the term ‘budwieser’ but many would be unaware of this ongoing bidding war for the brewer of ‘The King of Beers’. Beer bloggers have reported on the various reactions and it seems that the ‘real’ beer folk have little if any sympathy for the ‘King’s’ downfall.

The way I see it, there are more than enough over processed, watery, mass produced mainstream swilling lagers and who owns them is the same thing as knowing who chose the toilet paper on the Titanic – the result doesn’t alter. Maybe some of the disgruntled Bud loyalists will switch to good craft brewed beer instead and the real beer world will be a little more populated.

Some good articles on the A-B InBev merger can be found here.

The Rise and Fall of an American beer
In Bev buys A-B

New ‘Magic Pissed Idiot Detectors’ introduced

The Victorian State government has been busy lately in its quest to rid the streets of booze-fuelled mayhem. You may recall my post outlining the marvellous 2am lockout program which was designed to avoid the real social problems of irresponsible drinking by drafting a set of ridiculous guidelines which venues were generally exempt from following if they asked nicely not to. Well, the booze boffins have come up with an even better system to reduce the chances of drunks getting up to mischief.

Details are sketchy at this stage but it seems that some sort of ‘pissed idiot’ detector has been developed. The news story this morning reports that police “will be given the power to ban drunks ... from nightclub districts for up to one year under new tough-on-crime laws”. Now, it’s fairly simple to detect seriously pissed idiot from a distance, but how do you then ‘re-detect’ him or her over the next twelve months? Why, with some kind of hi-tech PI detector!

“To control unruly party-goers or law breakers ... Director of Liquor Licensing ... can declare that individuals be subject to bans of between 24 hours and a year”. So, we are going to see either a wall of police and security permanently positioned around the ‘nightclub districts’ in three regional areas and three inner suburban areas or, police will have access to detectors of some kind to determine the identity of previous offenders once they are caught.

Would’ve thought a good old fashioned ‘talking to’ by a burly walloper in blue would achieve better results much more efficiently and economically. A seasoned copper can spot trouble a mile off and a good seasoned copper can deflect trouble with a stern glare or a stern word or a stern phone-booking ... oops, we don’t go there no more, but, you get the drift? Most idiots play up because there is no apparent disincentive and no clear visible presence of punishment.

Instead of investing in Pissed Idiot Detection Technology let’s just get on with some community protection from the people we USED to entrust this job to. Until the do-gooding civil libertarians and incompetent government ministers took over the joint.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beers Aplenty!

Have just returned from a trip to Cloudwine Cellars again and have spent the week trying out some beers that I would not otherwise consider myself a fan of. But it's funny how a well crafted example of an 'out there' beer can not only change your perception of the style but can also tempt you into becoming a follower!

From Mussell Stouts and Honey Porters to strong ales and Lambics, from Scotch ales and super hoppy IPAs, from dark ales and ambers to Rose gambrinus, I have jumped in with both feet and several different styled glasses to broaden my beer experince and train my taste buds to detect new and interesting flavours, textures and aromas.

I hope to condense my experiences into a palatable post in the next few weeks as the sampling continues. Wish me luck!

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

Say it ain’t so ...

A bit of news that has crept slowly into the papers over the last couple of days concerns the impending death of the British pub. A tad premature, I hope, although it is interesting to read that the ‘cause of death’ is eerily similar to the dark omens that have been trotted out in Australia over recent years when predicting the demise of the same institution over here.

So as not to be found guilty of the heinous crime of overstating the point, I should note that the stories refer in general to the ‘traditional British pub’ being in peril. I say, as an observer; ‘Is there any other kind?’ The fact that news articles featuring the words ‘pub’ and ‘peril’ in the same sentence suggests our urgent attention is required.

The reasons stated for the dip in sales of beer in pubs are many including smoking bans, rising taxes and competition from supermarket sales which have combined to result in the lowest sales figures since the Great Depression. Restaurants in Victoria banned smoking some six or seven (?) years ago and the pubs and bars were added in 2006. Other states have various laws regarding smoking with New South Wales joining the club last year.

What they all have in common is the wailing and gnashing of teeth from both smokers and operators warning of the imminent end to life as we know it. In most cases a good operator will prevail – because they adapt and overcome, they dig in and they tighten the belt and they get on with the job. Poor operators can happily use a new law to shift the blame for their own business shortcomings.

I guess that ‘pub culture’ in Australia is a little different to that in The Old Dart because I am puzzled by the threat from supermarket sales to the British pub. I see the ‘take away’ option as a distinctly different beast to the pub occasion. I buy plenty of beer – not so much from the supermarket, but certainly from supermarket owned outlets – for the purpose of enjoying at home or at a friends’ house and I go to a pub to primarily share a very different experience. I can’t say that I ‘do’ one at the expense of the other. The checkout chick at the supermarket definitely does not share with me the same filthy jokes and banter that the barman does.

Some figures to ponder. In British pubs staff are pulling around 14 million pints a day (Stonch, I have a new found respect for your talents!) which is 1.6 million down on last year and 7 million down on the peak in 1979. That’s some serious piss! In addition (or should that be subtraction) 1,400 pubs pulled the pin on their business last year. I would love to know if this is a result of the brewery tied houses gaining a price advantage over the smaller independents or whether the general economic condition is the real culprit.

Tax is tax is tax and this is one area that needs to be addressed in every beer drinking country on the globe and the sooner politicians world wide realise that happy drinkers make for a happy nation and should not be treated as happy little cash cows! Lay off, already!

I will have to get our London correspondent, The Bear, to give our readers an update. Hopefully his investigations will prove that reports of the death of the British pub are greatly exaggerated.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner.

Here’s the story – British pubs in peril

Why is beer like life?

I was pondering nothing in particular the other day when some erratic thoughts began circulating around the old think box. I know I like beer; drinking it, writing about it, sharing knowledge about it, brewing it, talking with mates about it, pouring it, serving it, choosing and paying for it and even just thinking about it. But what is it about the amber nectar that can generate such esoteric musings? Or generate words like esoteric? Or musings?

Perhaps part of the answer lies in the fact that we sometimes associate beer with thoughts of our forefathers and this leads to a kind of subconscious patriotism. This is probably relevant to Australians as our history is short enough for us to be able to remember all the good bits and because we have a history relatively unblemished by civil unrest or lunatic religious disagreements. We are the fortunate sons of men and women who came or were sent to this land in order to begin anew and not the bastard offspring of warring tribes or God bothering, silly helmet wearing Imperialist snail eaters or goat throwers. Well, that’s my take on it, anyway. Read your history books for more accurate information or visit your local library.

Our thoughts sway between a safe and comforting knowledge that our beer reflects our country’s ideals – egalitarianism*, a fair go and the right to support Collingwood or Manly or the Maroons if you must and an admiration for those folk who forged this great nation under testing and trying conditions. When we raise a glass, we ‘dips our lids’ to the pioneers and the trendsetters and the adventurers and the dreamers who shook their heads at the inequities and injustices in their homelands and said ‘Get Stuffed’ to the bullyboys and political retreads and social engineers of the day and pulled up stumps for an unknown and uncertain future in a country on the bottom of the globe. Good work all of you. Glad you chose the wide brown land. I’ll raise a glass to you.

Our beer delight is also tied into our culture in ways that I don’t think some foreigners understand. Our brewing forefathers had to overcome severe difficulties just to make a drinkable beer. Lack of suitable ingredients, inhospitable climate with no refrigeration and a First Fleet comprising dozens of useless tradespeople but no one who could breed stock or grow crops like barley or hops has led us to think fondly of our ancestors. We should have become more appreciative of the diversity and overall quality of the beer we drink today. And we can be thankful for the fact that we can enjoy beers from all over the country and not be restricted to just local or regional specialties.

And, at its very essence, is this final point. Beer bonds in ways that wine and lolly water cannot. Since the halcyon days of the outback shearer who strode boldly up to the bar in a dusty country pub, slammed his pay cheque down and announced; “Who wants a beer?”, the worth of a man and the respect that his fellows have for him, is linked to the shout. The underlying principle that you are worthy of sharing a beer with. The shout, or the ‘School’ is at the very core of our national beer identity. Its conventions and obligations are bounding and unbreakable, its value incalculable and its ability to overcome all obstacles.

My beer, your beer, our beer. “Beerum, Beeres, Beerest.”

I think the shout just ordered itself another post of its own.

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

*Egalitarianism - Another big word which really just means everyone is essentially equal and equally worthy of sharing a beer with. We are all the same wether we are a Bruce or a Bertram, a Shags or a Sharon, a Papadopoulos or a Prentice-Hall. It is also accepted that, while we all start out equal, some are able to make more of their lot in life and that some will turn into dickheads regardless. It is still up to you and not the Country’s fault.