Beer Karma strikes again!

Watching my beloved Hawthorn taking on Carlton in the last of the regular season games on Saturday night and all the attention and interest in the game centred on the Hawks’
magnificent young superstar Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin and his quest to kick the two goals needed for his hundred for the season.

The Hawks were already assured of second spot on the ladder leading into the finals series so the media focus was all about Buddy and his ton. The sub plot to this sporting drama was the fact that, at the opposite end of the ground, Carlton’s enigmatic spearhead, Brendan Fevola was aiming to kick a hefty 8 goals to get his century. I say enigmatic because ‘The Fev’ has seen more than his share of trouble over the last few years.

Seemingly hard wired towards dickheadedness, Fevola has managed to upset fans of the game and fans of normal social behaviour by getting on the drink and then choosing one or more from the following list of ‘Dickhead Things To Do When You Are Pissed’; weeing in public, headlocking barmen in Ireland, conducting an SMS affair with a vacuous model famous for being well known, speeding twenty kilometres an hour over the limit in a school zone, being a pissed idiot – you get the picture?

Anyway, Buddy dobbed the two six pointers that he needed for the ton in the first ten minutes of the game. Mrs Pilsner was commenting on the AFL tradition of fans running on to the ground as the hundredth goal went through the sticks and mobbing their hero when she mused at the prospect of Fevola kicking the eight he needed for his milestone. The commentators had made mention of the fact that, while the ton had been reached by players in the same season and even in the same round before, it had never been achieved in the same game. Could it happen tonight? How would security cope with TWO ground rushes? Would it take some of the gloss off Buddy’s feat if Fev got his as well?

“Won’t happen” I said matter of factly to Mrs Pilsner’s enquiries. “Why not”, she pondered. “Beer Karma”, I replied. “He has a poor track record when it comes to disrespecting the beer and Beer Karma will say to him – shit bloke, no ton.”

She laughed and we watched as Fevola’s Blues were pumped to the tune of 78 points and despite a goalless first half, Fevola (ably assisted by every one of his generous team mates) kicked four third quarter goals and then three in the last to finish the game stranded on 99 goals for the year. You are Beer Karma’s bitch, Brendan.

And, as if to underline the point, this morning’s paper runs the story of an AFL footballer who has again run foul of decency and standards by participating in his team’s end of season celebrations on ‘Mad Monday’ by dressing in a pink nightie, matching hat and accessorised with a sex toy to the bemusement and disgust of several city bar patrons (pun unintended). Wonder what Beer Karma has in mind for her bitch next season?

Warning; if large pink rubber dongers offend, don’t look at the front of Brendan’s pants in the picture below.

Cheers and Thanks, Beer Karma,
Prof. Pilsner

Probably just a coincidence

Radio news in Melbourne this morning led with the story of the Victorian State Premier going on a ride-along with Police patrols in the wee small hours of the morning on Saturday night to view the alcohol related trouble caused by binge drinking.

The purpose of the trip was not, as you might expect, to show support for the ever decreasing and increasingly stressed police force, but to gather evidence before making a decision on the 2am ‘lockout’ legislation. As I have discussed in these pages recently, this lockout, which was designed to stop anti-social booze-fuelled mayhem, was so cock-eyed and poorly planned that not only did it not work, but even had it done so, nearly every ‘at risk’ business which applied for an exemption, got one.

So no one, except maybe the Premier himself, could really understand what he expected to see and how this would alter his thinking. “Hmmm, let’s see. I am looking at how a law that doesn’t do anything, implemented and enforced by no one and punishable by nothing, is working – even though you don’t have to abide by it – and I will observe any changes in the behaviour of pissed idiots as a result of changing nothing in order to determine if I will continue the plan into the future.”

The news reported that Mr Brumby went on a ‘fact finding tour in the early hours ... to determine the future of 2am lockouts” ... (he) “looked on as drunks were arrested, and he revealed serious concerns ... about the price society was paying for policing the intoxicated”. Ahhh!! Now there is a funny little thing! POLICING THE INTOXICATED!! Maybe instead of nanny-ing the many, the Government might think about ENFORCING THE LAW on the few who transgress!!??

But this would be the same mob who recently oversaw the down sizing of the force and its capacity to remove trouble makers from the streets as evidenced by the figures which show that 11 pissed idiots were arrested a couple of weekends ago, and 10 the weekend before. Compare that with 80 pissed idiots that were arrested and removed from the public domain on an average weekend last year!! Add to this that there are now two stations taking in these pissed idiots and around five that are not doing it anymore. Hmmm? Influencing your thinking, Premier?

And on to the newspaper. Let’s see, page three – no boobies, sorry, but a report which headlines; “POLICE QUIT AS MORALE SINKS” It seems that nearly 450 police members have quit or retired in the past 18 months as a result of dissatisfaction with the force. Of these men and women, 299 had been in the job for more than 10 years and 146 had more than 30 years behind the bell. That’s a lot of experience lost through members who are not even near the end of their foreseeable career length. A recent survey saw 3459 members respond and showed that two in three officers had considered quitting in the past year, citing lack of resources, stress and low force morale.

Mr Brumby might rethink his bullshit plan to control the evil grog, or he might just consider giving the streets back to the people who have traditionally provided the deterrent, the defusing and the solution to most of the social issues revolving around drinking irresponsibly.

The Premier goes for a ride to see what anybody could have told him was there while the very people who can solve the problem are being asked to sit back while he develops a plan that they will be asked to control and which will see them stretched to do – even if the plan WOULD work!

As I said, it’s probably just a coincidence.

Oh, just to clarify an error in last weeks bit on the alcopop tax - the figure the Federal Govt is sitting on is not 3 million, but 3 HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS -MOO Ha Ha!!!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Alcopop Back flip

A few weeks back I reported on the Federal Governments’ lame attempts to curb youth binge drinking by increasing the tax on pre-packaged, pre-mixed alcoholic lolly water known as RTDs or Ready To Drink spirits. I was fairly critical of the measures employed because they were never really going to address the real causes of overdoing the drink and because they were merely a thinly veiled effort to be SEEN to be doing something while secretly grabbing for cash.

By way of an update on this situation, here are some recent developments. I should point out here that I have no intention of letting this blog stray from its beery roots and allow it to get all political – just file this under ‘D’ for ‘Dickheads’.

For a bill to pass into law here in Australia, it must be approved by both the Lower and Upper Houses of Parliament and it would seem that the current Government, perhaps drunk on its own sense of power, perhaps just being dickheads, raised the alcopop tax months ago and then just kinda ‘assumed’ that the Opposition and the Independent senators would just rubber stamp it retrospectively. Not. Ooops!

So now the Government is faced with a dilemma. Apart from having to stand on a milk crate with their dacks around their ankles singing ‘I Was Wrong’, they now have a lazy $3 million dollars in ill-gotten tax gains from good honest consumers which they are obliged to – wait for it – KEEP! Despite telling all who will fall for crap that the evil Spirit Distillers will receive the lot and never, ever, ever pass it on to their consumers, the Government knows well that the process is entirely different in reality. It is the Governments money and good luck getting it back.

To claim back any tax ‘over paid’ the claimant must make a challenge through the court system. Costly at best and a right pain in the jacksie at worst. Even if the industry could get what they are entitled to, the cost and effort involved in then returning it to the consumer (of course, you all kept ALL your receipts, didn’t you?!) would be near impossible. The Government, in trying to cover up their stuff up, is deflecting blame and responsibility by painting the industry (who said from the start that the initial plan was flawed) as the bad guys!

And further to the figures that I quoted previously showing that sales of full strength spirits had increased as the RTDs sales dipped, the bureaucrats turned in a set of figures of their own which showed this was incorrect – that everything the Government had set out to do, it had achieved and then some – which it now turns out were based on a different set of variables such as different reporting days and using a different time frame from which the figures were taken. Fancy using statistics to disprove your oppositions claims! As Homer Simpson said, “Statistics can be used to disprove anything – 75% of people know THAT!!”

As a post script, the Distilled Spirits Industry has publicly gone on record as saying that not only did it never seek to re-claim any tax windfall had the tax fallen through, but that they formally supported the money being returned into Government programs to educate and tackle the issues associated with youth binge drinking. Take that Kevin, ya ‘cats bum-mouthed, lip-licking, nancy-walking toss pot!*

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

*Kevin, for those who don’t know, is Kevin Rudd, or Kevin 07, or K-Rudd the recently elected Prime Minister. He’s probably a really nice bloke and I’m sure his Mummy is very very proud of him.

The Reinheitsgebot

Or, how to brew really good beer.

This is a term that most beer-heads will probably have encountered, some will be able to pronounce and a few may understand. For all of the above and those new to this Teutonic mouthful, here is a short history of, and insight into, the wonderful world of ‘The Bot’.

Literally meaning ‘purity order’, The Reinheitsgebot is often referred to as the German Purity Law and is perhaps the oldest quality control law in history. It is, and always has been, a beer law and was proposed sometime around 1487 and officially enacted in 1516 in Bavaria, now a province of Germany. It has the purpose of regulating the sale and the production of beer – though I should say it had these purposes as it was repealed as mandatory in 1987 – and we are lucky as drinkers of beer to have it.

It basically stated that beer could be made using three, and only three ingredients – malt, hops and water. When first enacted, the magical properties of yeast were yet to be understood and identified and were not included in the law until the 1800s after some cheese eating surrender monkey called Louis Pasteur discovered the role of the single cell floater that we know and love as yeast.

Barley was specified as the only malted grain to be used, not because they thought that wheat couldn’t make a good beer, as we all know it can, but because they wanted to save the wheat and rye for bread making. Bloody bakers! The Germans have a rich tradition of wheat beers and the part of the reasoning behind the Reinheitsgebot was to avoid a price war with the bakers for the grain. Fortunately plenty of German brewers kept making wheaties. I suppose they would have called them Weizies?

So that covers the yeast and the malt. The yeast was not included because it ‘didn’t exist yet’ and the barley malt was to keep the Dough Boys happy. Now to the hops. The hop clause was written in because before the Bot came along all sorts off stuff was used to preserve the precious amber liquid including soot, odd looking forest mushrooms and herbs like stinging nettles. Must have made the beer marketing mans job difficult;

“Hey Siiymon, make us an ad to flog this new beer, would ya!?”
“Sure, how about ... ‘now with the rich full flavour of that stuff in the bottom of the fireplace and dodgy fungus’?”
“Yeah, like it, like it. Should make medieval bogans think they have a better chance with the plague hags!”

There are those who stand either side of the Reinheitsgebot as far as support goes. Many believe it to be the greatest quality control measure since the invention of the ‘No Fat Chicks’ sign whereas others see it as a way of dominating a market and discouraging regional specialties and ‘odd-ball’ beers. As we know, the Germans are pretty good at producing some special sorts of beers; smoke beers, radlers, hefeweizens, Marzens, Altbiers and Kolsch. This might suggest that, while beers brewed under The Reinheitsgebot are almost guaranteed to be of a pure and consistent quality, it hasn’t stopped the beer world in its tracks out in Deutschland.

Regardless on where you stand in the argument, the Bot has ensured a place in the wonderful world of beer and, if nothing else, it has given me a good post subject. Happy drinking.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

The Local Taphouse

There are bars and then there are bars.

Stop lookin’, I’ve found it!

It is with just a little trepidation that I pen this piece because I feel like I’m letting the world in on what should be a guarded secret; the best beer bar in the whole wide world ever. There, I said it.

The place is called the Local Taphouse and it lives in East St Kilda in Melbourne just a drop kick and a half from the city.

Truth be told, the beer lover in me says “Tell ‘em all!! Shout it from the highest rooftops and whatnot!!” for this is a place that anybody who calls themselves a beer drinker needs to visit at least once in their beery lifetime. For many it will make them realise that they really knew very little about beer and for others it will be the oasis that they have been seeking in the crowded desert of mainstream lager suppliers.

And that’s not to say that the Local Taphouse is in any way, shape or form an elitist establishment – quite the opposite. Welcoming and relaxing, inviting and warm. Mind you, as I hit the doormat the thermostat was in low single figures so the ‘warming’ bit might have had something to do with the chilling wind that was pushing me towards the door! But for the other elements that make this place special all credit to the owners, management and staff.

Any good hospitality venue, be it a restaurant, bar, cafe or beer barn, relies on its people for its success and The Local Taphouse has plenty of stock in this respect. That’s a good thing, too, because the other thing of which they have an abundant supply is beer. Good beer. Very, very good beer.

20 taps downstairs and another 20 upstairs and we’re talking some serious beer guys running this place. Four taps feature ‘showcase’ beers, single kegs of something special, ‘out there’ or hard to find and the rest are grouped by style and cover every taste and temptation. From pale golden pilsners to silky rich stouts and something nice for everyone in between, the only problem is deciding on just one at a time! Fortunately the ‘beer tenders’ allow you plenty of relaxing thinking time to plan and plot out your nights’ beer journey.

Now, any place can plumb a dozen taps and keg up some nice beers, but that don’t make a great beer pub on its own. As I have often posed in this blog; “Where’s the love?!” Making a place LOOK like it’s a good beer place is not even half the equation. Beer is, afterall, a people drink and it is the people who drive a good place. The Local Taphouse is a shining example of how hiring the right people, training them well and encouraging them, and giving them the tools to do the job results in a customer focussed, attentive and friendly staff delivering a consistent and enjoyable experience every time.

I could keep on about this place, and I suspect that I will in further posts, but until then I suggest you get out there for yourself if you can and see what can be achieved in the New World of pubs, bars, restaurants and all that stuff. Tell them you read about it here and they’ll probably nod knowingly and whisper quietly; “Professor WHO?”

The Local Taphouse is at 184 Carlisle St, St Kilda East just between Capel St and St Kilda roads.
Links to the website and beerblog can be found in my Drinking Mates list.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Karma

In the middle of this month I detailed the anniversary celebrations I shared with Mrs Pilsner.

No, not those details. I shared the story of dinner and drinks lists and I stated my surprise at the shallowness and outdatedness of the beer offerings at the restaurant of one of this county’s most charming and elegant hotels.

Well, yesterday I discovered the ‘Yang’ to this disappointing ‘Ying’. And it was not expected and it was not planned. We had just endured a fairly hectic week which culminated in Dr Lager and I hosting a fundraising Trivia night for the pre-school and Mrs Pilsner and I decided to take the family out for Sunday brunch. We decided on a restaurant tucked into a little shopping strip in the local suburbs that we had planned to check out anyway and packed the car with excite children and headed out.

Lunch done and we are heading back to the car. Mrs Pilsner spots a little Asian Grocer on the way back and decides to pop in for a look. Two of the little Pilsners are not in the mood for chicken’s feet and noodle nosing so I took them under my wing and went window shopping further on down the street.

Which is where I found it. Or, where Beer Karma led me. A little non-descript bottle shop at the end of the shops. No big signs or marketing fanfare of any kind, just a shop. I figured I had a minute or two before my two charges went postal and started to annoy each other to the point of enforced separation so I ventured in. At the very back of the shop, past the stacks of standard lager offerings were a couple of fridges, each bearing a hand drawn label. ‘Local’, ‘Imported’ and ‘Boutique’. I passed over the local, until a couple of bottles caught my eye. Here were beers from a West Australian brewer that I had not seen before, nor hear of. Nice surprise. What else have you got for me, Beer Karma?

A nice selection of craft/standard beers, including some seasonal limited releases! Nice! On to the ‘boutique’ section and there I found Salitos – a fairly hard to find Mexican Tequila beer – and while not a beer of any great pedigree, it is one that I have been trying to cross off my list of collectable beers! A Czech pilsner in a 500ml bottle and a low carb ‘idea beer’ joined the craft wheatie and a another local and the collection was capped off by a beer from Laos! The imaginatively named ‘BeerLao’ went down a treat with dinner that night.

A couple of spare minutes had just rewarded me with a very pleasant beery discovery. My faith in Beer Karma had been restored and Mrs Pilsner got what she needed as well.

I expect that the two kids I was responsible for will find their way home in the next two or three days.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer and Trivia

Dr Lager and I had offered our services to my local pre-school as hosts of the major fundraising event for the year, the annual Trivia Night. The good Dr and I have been keen collectors of trivia, or spermologists as they are known, for many years and have, in fact, spent many years storing away the most useless pieces of spectacularly little known facts. Often at the expense of apparently ‘important’ facts like anniversary dates, school pick ups and doctor’s appointments. Well, something’s gotta give.

The night attracted just over two hundred people, or twenty tables plus a handful of volunteers to assist us in collecting answers, handing stuff out, mopping our brows, that sort of thing. Some cracking good questions were posed to the crowd and the pre-school made nearly twice as much coin as they had the previous year. A good night in all.

And it was interesting to see how the night panned out. Something strange and inexplicable happened. Part of our fundraising strategy included a provision for teams to ‘buy’ an answer for $5 each round and to ‘challenge’ an answer for $5 ach. As the night went on, more challenges were made! And some of the challenges were more than just optimistic – they were fanciful! Could this phenomenon have been anything to do with the parallel phenomenon whereby the number of full beers was slowly replaced by an equal number of empty bottles on each table? Could this cosmic event also have been responsible for our jokes getting cleverer and funnier and better received?!?

We ended up being ‘called’ on just one question for the whole night and the fundraising was boosted by nearly $200 on the challenges and purchases for the night. I have included some of the more popular questions below for you to have a go at. To simulate actual trivia night conditions, try drinking two or three beers in between answering each question. To buy an answer send $5 in a small unmarked bill to; “I’ve had Too Much To Drink, c/o beerblokes, Australia.” Cheers.

From General Knowledge - How many male suspects are there in Cluedo?
What is the first sign of the Zodiac?
From Sport – Which nation enters the arena first in the Commonwealth Games?
Where were the 1956 Melbourne Olympic Games equestrian events held?
From Movies – How many Bond films have a single word title?
What is Dirty Harry’s surname?
From Pop Culture – Which social network website did Mark Zuckerburg found?
In Texas Hold Em Poker, what are the two cards dealt to each player called?

So you are not tempted to look at the answers straight away, here are some pictures of beer to distract you while you think ...

Answers; 3 (Plum, Mustard, Green), Aries, Last host nation, Stockholm Sweden (Quarantine reasons), 5, (Thunderball, Goldfinger, Moonraker, Octopussy, Goldeneye), Callaghan, Facebook, Hole Cards.

Score 1 point for each correct answer you got. Take off 1 point for each incorrect answer and drink a beer for each of either!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

So what’s your point?

Letter to the editor in my local state daily this morning caught my eye.

“Recently I had the pleasure of dining aboard the colonial tram car restaurant, one of Melbourne’s best tourist attractions. However I was dismayed when I realised the $130 a person cost included unlimited alcohol. I feel this not only discriminates against non-drinkers, but naturally increases the amount of alcohol consumed.”

At first I felt a little sorry for the writer and on two fronts – one; he was DISMAYED at the prospect of unlimited alcohol and two; he was a non-drinker.

I had a quick think about his argument before I ‘naturally’ dismissed it as crap. Have a quick think yourself, champ, before blaming all of society’s ills on the grog. At $130 a head and a world class menu which DOES NOT include chicken parma and nachos you’re not realistically attracting a huge number of bogans, dickheads and potential pissed idiots are you? Most guests who shuffle on to the charming old rattler for a scenic tour of Melbourne and a nice four course meal are not about to kick off their thongs and pull out a form guide while waiting for the barman to pour them a bucket-o-bourbon-and-cola.

For the correct answer to the above, see picture below.

“Surely non-drinkers should not be subsidising those who choose to indulge.”

Surely normal people would either choose to dine at a restaurant that offered separate food and drink deals or would do the polite and sensible thing and make a courtesy call to the tram car restaurant before dining and confirm the conditions or negotiate a discount. Twenty years in the restaurant caper and I can assure you that the set price will cover the costs of the overall experience and will not financially disadvantage the non-drinkers. At least they are being upfront about the cost. If they said the cost of the meal and the ride was $130 and no one pays for any drinks you probably would have said ‘yippee!’ or whatever it is that non-drinkers do when they are happy. They can be happy can’t they?

Besides, it would be impossible to pay for drinks as you go since they took all the conductors off the trams.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Lord of the Ales

So I’m sitting down with the family to dinner last night and, for the first time in a while we were all at the table together. For one reason or another including choir practice, work commitments, beer commitments and the fact that the little ones just can’t wait till a civilised hour to eat, we seem to juggle meals and sittings to keep the planets in alignment.

But last night was really quite civilised. And I have just realised how funny it is that I have used the word ‘civilised’ to describe it. You’ll find out, too, n a minute.

Dinner was nice. I had been out on Tuesday night with the brother in law to the Local Taphouse in St Kilda (more in a coming post) and we enjoyed a stout evening. Not an evening in which we looked at jolly fat blokes but a night encompassing four different stouts and four tasting plates to match. As a result, I was suitably inspired to create a meal at home to suit a stout that I had in the fridge at the time.

Oysters from my good local fishy, Joe, and some smoked salmon for the two and four year olds (I should shake my head at their food tastes, but I guess it’s better than them having cravings for Mc Crap and such) and some eye fillet for mains meant that I could feed the littlies and then the rest of the family could sit down to dinner while they had their dessert. All of us at the table at the same time. Lovely. Until the littlies decide to talk.

To cut a boring tale short, the competition for conversation was of an Olympic standard. And not just the to-ing and fro-ing but the volume as well. And all about as synchronised as if the diving was done by sumos. All over the shop.

So Mrs Pilsner comes up with a piece of literary-inspired brilliance to solve the problem. My empty bottle that had recently contained a Bellarine Brewery Mussel Stout had been commandeered to be put to good use as a ‘talking stubby’. He or she what has the ‘talking stubby’ can talk and all that what don’t has got to listen. Civilised. In a very Lord of the Flies’ kind of way.

I am now going to put my mind to the task of implementing other works of literature into both the beer and dining experience.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH A BOTTLE TOP

... BUT NOT WITH YOUR WIFE

That title wasn’t meant to grab your attention it’s just one of those things that come up as you get an idea and then another one comes in at the same time and then they kind of intersect and that makes you think of the other thing and then it comes together as a catchy title which will probably grab your attention. D’ Oh!

I was cleaning the other day.

I could probably just leave it at that and you’d be fairly impressed, I imagine. Or, more truthfully your wife/girlfriend/partner/mum/special friend would be impressed that a bloke was doing something more domestic than homebrewing. Regular visitors will be aware that this is not the first time that this has happened – see Brew Update Sept 2007 – but this effort was more in the interests of family harmony than creating more space for beer.

And during the cleaning process I stumbled upon a forgotten treasure of mine. A little bottle top motorbike. For the benefit of those under the age of about thirty, back in the olden days beer stubbies came with a rip off tab style lid – tear tabs I think they were called – and despite being a hazard to the fingers of ‘affected’ drinkers due to the sharp inside edges, they were a boon to creative types who saw the tops’ potential. Taking four of these tops had a twin benefit. First, you could manipulate and twist and conjoin the tops to make little vehicles and, second, you got to drink four stubbies in the name of art. An extra advantage was that you got to partake in arts and crafts without being labelled as a nana or a poofter.

In my youth I learned how to make these heirloom treasures from an older mate in our group named Macca. We couldn’t make enough of them and when we had made so many that the mantelpiece was as full as a fat lady’s sock with the things we soon discovered that you could keep making them and give them as gifts to impress girls. Easily impressed girls, granted, but impressed nonetheless. The Professor has more than a few conquests under the belt as a consequence of drinking lots and lots of beer and making bottle top motorbikes. At least that’s how I remember it. Certainly the bit about drinking beer.

I even had a mini sub collection of motorbikes that were made for special occasions or in special circumstances. There were New Years Eve bikes, Cup Day bikes, birthday bikes and Christmas bikes. There was one I made sitting on top of Uluru – it was Ayres Rock back then - and one I made in hospital on that same trip after knocking myself out jumping a pool fence on New Years Eve in 83. Happy days. Happy days.

What follows is a step by step instructional on the fine yet fading art of bottle top motorbikes.

Find four beers with olden days bottle tops. Use a suitable time machine or matter transporter and set coordinates for around 1980. Alternatively, Amstel (Holland) and Mac’s (NZ) beers have them in the present as do Bundaberg Ginger Beer. But beware, ginger beer is not beer made for redheads and it is also not like real beer. Dan Murphy’s and Coles Liquorland should have one or the other.

STEP ONE
Open the first stubby. Drink contents. If you have bought cans instead of stubbies, sit in the corner, give yourself an uppercut and start again.

The first section to make is the seat and handle bar assembly. Carefully wiggle the side bits off each side taking care not to tear off any finger skin and then even more carefully bend the circular pull tab bit into itself and back a few times until it snaps at the furtherest point from the other bit, you know, away from the body of the tab at the far end. Not near the body of the tab. Oh, stuff it, here’s some pictures.

Sorry to give you the hardest part first. You’ll see why in a second.

STEP TWO
Open second stubby. Drink. Do the same thing you did with the last one – the ring pull, not the stubby - but this time squeeze the ring bit and leave it squished in a bendy-bow kind of shape. And don’t rip off the tabs this time. Just open them out to form the front and rear mudguards. Wrap this whole bit around the centre of the first bit until it looks like a petrol tank and a kickstand. Yeah, yeah here’s a picture.

STEP THREE. Can you guess? Yep, that’s right. Open stubby ... da-dah da-dah. But there’s a catch, smarty pants. The last section is the wheel so go ahead and rip into the last stubby and make two. Wheels. Wrap the tab around the mudguards and gently push the ring part into the rounded other part. Well done. With care and a little luck it should look something like this;

and if you weren’t concentrating it might look like this;

and if you got really frustrated or you drank all the stubbies first and then tried the assembly it might look just a little like this;

and if, at step one, you bought cans instead of stubbies, try your hand at this;

I thought about getting a video instruction guide made and whacking it on to You Tube but I just reckon there’s enough crap on that thing already without me adding to it. Besides, it’d probably make me more famous than the bloke who came third on the fifth season of Big Brother – Shannon Noll? – and then I’d never have time to write this drivel for you blokes and blokettes.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner.