Cop That!

I have often spoken about how my enjoyment of a beer – any beer – can be enhanced by the situation or the occasion that I find myself in. This is a cracker. Sipping a nice refreshing Bridge Road Pale Ale I laughed and laughed as I read the paper. The beer somehow just tasted – better.

I was brought up with a strong belief that you always do the right thing – sense of social justice if you will - and that you do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do. Still think that way and Mrs Pilsner and I are teaching our girls to think the same. But, sadly, many couldn’t give a fat rat’s clacker about anybody or anything but themselves. It is to one of these groups that Beer Blokes raises a glass now and says; “Cheers! Cop that!!”

The federal government recently launched a series of ‘stimulus packages’ to help the Australian economy. These were a number of cash handouts to many regular people (including some overseas visitors, exchange students and more than a few dead people) payable in a lump sum of up to $900 for individuals and $2800 for families. There was only one stipulation – you had to file a tax return.

Here’s where it gets good. There is a group out there in Australian society who try to avoid their social responsibility to others by refusing to lodge a tax return. This way they can avoid such annoyances as child support payments, spousal maintenance and deductions to their welfare benefits. But sometimes greed, coupled with base stupidity means a win for the good guys.

Many of these deadbeat mums and dads – 21,327 of them actually - were busted big-time when they couldn’t file their tax missing tax returns quick enough so as to scoop up a piece of my hard earned taxpayer dollars. Their tax returns enabled the Department of Human Services to recoup 23.5 million dollars in child support.

That’s worth another beer.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Light thinking for a heavy problem

Beer only ever seems to make the front page of the paper when the news is bad, sad or stupid. Just once I’d like to see a front page story about a nice craft beer winning an award or a tax break being given to small volume brewers so that they might compete a bit more fairly with the bland multinationals but I guess I’ll be waiting a while.

Today’s news is alarming. Even the headline says so; “BEER ALARM”

“A huge drop in light beer sales has been blamed for the surge in street violence. Pressure to scrap the tax on light beer is building as more drinkers turn to stronger booze. Light beer sales have fallen 15% in seven years while street crime has soared 43%. Vic Health chief executive Todd Harper said yesterday there was a definite connection between the move away from light beer and the rise in drunken violence. ‘I definitely think the move to heavier beer is part of the problem’ he said.

‘Anything that can kick start a change in the culture of alcohol consumption in Australia to encourage the consumption of low alcohol products will be a positive one‘, he said. The excise cut would see light beer drop 20c a stubby, or $4.80 a slab, and about 4c a pot in bars.”

“Vic Health believes the move would tempt full strength beer drinkers to make the switch. ‘If we look at the strong associations between consumption of full strength beer and anti-social behaviour, such as assaults, there is no doubt there is a connection between the two,” Mr Harper said.”

Crock of shite.

No one would disagree that the problem of drunken violence is a serious issue worldwide, but for goodness sake, can we please start attacking the problem at the source instead of making things up, using opinions as scientific evidence or blaming irrelevant factors? Please??

First, Todd, a 14% decrease in light beer sales over seven years is not “a huge drop” in the overall context. Sales figures show that beer sales across the board have dropped – we are drinking less, but better, as the rise in premium, imported and craft beer sales would suggest – it is not just light beer that is lower. But, hey, if it helps to whip up the hysteria for your cause then, by all means, go right ahead.

Second, I am just hanging out to hear how a light beer sales drop is related in any way to a 43% increase in street crime. Blokes don’t go out and biff other blokes for no reason because they don’t drink light beer, they do it because they are complete and utter dickheads. They don’t drink light beer, not because the tax is too high, but because they (a) don’t like it, (b) their mates will think they are poofters and (c) because it won’t get them shitfaced!! They’re dickheads, remember?!! The only people who still drink light beer in this country are old blokes, designated drivers and blokes who like watery beer, none of whom have made the papers for beating up Grannies or starting riots.

Third, I don’t have any evidence to support my claims but I see that I don’t really need to. Todd, you can’t justify your own findings and throw scare around because (you) “definitely think the move to heavier beer is part of the problem”. I definitely think it is a cultural and behavioural issue brought about, in part, by a gradual acceptance of poor behaviour with no consequences and no punishment, so I’m right.

Of course I don’t mean to make light (pardon the pun) of a serious issue, but it just burns my brew every time I hear beer in general getting the blame for the problems caused by a bunch of bottom-feeders who will cause strife regardless of the price of heavy beer, the tax on light beer or the value of the New York Stock Exchange. Let’s deal with the dickheads – sort out why they are being dickheads, help them out or kick their arses if they don’t want to follow the standards of a normal, civilised society – and stop blaming beer. It loves us and wants us to be happy.

Cheers,Prof. Pilsner

Alcopop Back flip

A few weeks back I reported on the Federal Governments’ lame attempts to curb youth binge drinking by increasing the tax on pre-packaged, pre-mixed alcoholic lolly water known as RTDs or Ready To Drink spirits. I was fairly critical of the measures employed because they were never really going to address the real causes of overdoing the drink and because they were merely a thinly veiled effort to be SEEN to be doing something while secretly grabbing for cash.

By way of an update on this situation, here are some recent developments. I should point out here that I have no intention of letting this blog stray from its beery roots and allow it to get all political – just file this under ‘D’ for ‘Dickheads’.

For a bill to pass into law here in Australia, it must be approved by both the Lower and Upper Houses of Parliament and it would seem that the current Government, perhaps drunk on its own sense of power, perhaps just being dickheads, raised the alcopop tax months ago and then just kinda ‘assumed’ that the Opposition and the Independent senators would just rubber stamp it retrospectively. Not. Ooops!

So now the Government is faced with a dilemma. Apart from having to stand on a milk crate with their dacks around their ankles singing ‘I Was Wrong’, they now have a lazy $3 million dollars in ill-gotten tax gains from good honest consumers which they are obliged to – wait for it – KEEP! Despite telling all who will fall for crap that the evil Spirit Distillers will receive the lot and never, ever, ever pass it on to their consumers, the Government knows well that the process is entirely different in reality. It is the Governments money and good luck getting it back.

To claim back any tax ‘over paid’ the claimant must make a challenge through the court system. Costly at best and a right pain in the jacksie at worst. Even if the industry could get what they are entitled to, the cost and effort involved in then returning it to the consumer (of course, you all kept ALL your receipts, didn’t you?!) would be near impossible. The Government, in trying to cover up their stuff up, is deflecting blame and responsibility by painting the industry (who said from the start that the initial plan was flawed) as the bad guys!

And further to the figures that I quoted previously showing that sales of full strength spirits had increased as the RTDs sales dipped, the bureaucrats turned in a set of figures of their own which showed this was incorrect – that everything the Government had set out to do, it had achieved and then some – which it now turns out were based on a different set of variables such as different reporting days and using a different time frame from which the figures were taken. Fancy using statistics to disprove your oppositions claims! As Homer Simpson said, “Statistics can be used to disprove anything – 75% of people know THAT!!”

As a post script, the Distilled Spirits Industry has publicly gone on record as saying that not only did it never seek to re-claim any tax windfall had the tax fallen through, but that they formally supported the money being returned into Government programs to educate and tackle the issues associated with youth binge drinking. Take that Kevin, ya ‘cats bum-mouthed, lip-licking, nancy-walking toss pot!*

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

*Kevin, for those who don’t know, is Kevin Rudd, or Kevin 07, or K-Rudd the recently elected Prime Minister. He’s probably a really nice bloke and I’m sure his Mummy is very very proud of him.

Nanny In Noddyland

I wrote a few weeks back about the federal governments’ attempts to do a whole lot of nothing about addressing the problems of poor behaviour associated with alcohol. Specifically, the government increased the tax on ‘alcopops’ or pre mixed/ ready to drink types of grog. Clever.

Not.

The lame-arsed thinking behind this poorly disguised tax grab was simple. Like its’ instigators. Raise the tax on RTDs and then young ‘at risk’ drinkers will not drink irresponsibly any more, ever. Woo Hoo!! Problem solved.

This did not happen. But, two significant events occurred almost immediately. Can’t say if they are related at all. Judge for yourselves. Sales of RTDs dropped dramatically as the price per each rose about $1.30. Sales of straight spirits and large soft drinks rose. By about the same amount as the RTDs dropped. Hmmm?

So now the only differences are these. Responsible adult drinkers who chose to buy RTDs for convenience of storage and transporting are now forced to pay more for their drink. The tax man still gets a huge slab of cash from the drinker. The young and inexperienced drinker no longer buys cans and bottles of low alcohol by volume, pre mixed spirits. He or she now ‘pours their own’ from a large straight spirit bottle and mixes themselves a ‘cruiser/breezer/cooler’ thingy. At whatever alcohol by volume they happen to guess. And guess poorly by the third or fifth attempt.

Federal Minister ‘Nanny’ Nicola Roxon was on radio in Melbourne this morning disputing a set of figures which she “didn’t have in front of her” showing that sales of RTDs are down and straight spirits are up. “Seasonal differences in sales figures” she trotted out. Ya what!? Pissed idiots don’t drink as much or as stupidly in July and the tax on RTDs is a coincidence?

Dispute this, Nanny. 21,000,000 standard spirit drinks – that’s 266,000 litres of straight alcohol- had been drunk in the TWO MONTHS after the introduction of the alcopops tax. No more alcopop. Just a massive ‘alco-swap’. Scary? Maybe not on its own. Sensible and bargain savvy responsible adult drinkers are probably switching as much as the dickheads are. But this is scary. There has been a huge leap in the sales of cheap wine and cider. Drinking less? Problem solved? Not.

The federal government makes a cool $1,750,000 A DAY from the increased tax on alcopops. How about spending this on a surgical procedure to reverse the effects of the ‘off with the head and on with a pumpkin’ operation that the masters of this inane solution have obviously undergone.

Let’s just hope that they don’t have similar plans for beer taxes.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner