Pink’s Drink Think

"Ha! Ha! Beer Blokes just did another "TWATTER" post!!"

Rock chick Pink is over here in Australia at the moment presenting 768 sold out concerts – or something - and is getting plenty of publicity. From turning up at hospital children’s wards and various charity events to appearances on every channel every night, the girl is working hard for her money.

One thing I didn’t know about Pink (apart from her real name, where she got her start, any of her songs ...) was that she was a beer drinker. And guess what? I have Twatter to thank for that! Indirectly, of course, I don’t do Twatter as you know. No, I found out through a little piece in the gossip-y section of the paper yesterday. Which I also don’t usually read. But the heading caught my eagle-eye; ‘TOOHEY’S “PHOOEY” – PINK’

Turns out that during her tour Pink has been “expanding her knowledge of Australian beer”. The singer tweeterered on her Twatter site that she; “had briefly ventuered away from her favourite brew, VB”

“OK so I tried the Toohey’s beer. Like VB better,” she wrote.

That’s a bit like saying that a child has ‘expanded his knowledge of advanced mathematics because he can now count to two’. But I don’t want you to get the impression that Pink is a one dimensional drinker. She has also shared her love of Australian wine;

“Now I’m getting to know a ’94 Henschke Hill of Grace. Lovely.”

Lovely? Lovely??! That stuff is a very sought after and limited edition beauty not too many rungs below a Penfold’s Grange and varies between $600 and $800 a bottle for the 94. I hope her legions of fans didn’t head straight down to the drive through bottleshop at the local pub and ask for a six-pack!

Now that would be worth a Tweet!

Cheers
Prof Pilsner

I Don't do Twatter

Further to my recent post lamenting the dumbing down of our modern world through the very tools which should be making us smarter comes this. Those readers with a deep and personal emotional attachment to social networking sites, look away NOW.

My local paper has begun a column called Street Tweet – What’s the Twitter where you live? A quarter page of Twatter Tweets which are supposedly representative of the suburbs from which they are ‘tweeted’. Examples of suburb based Twitterings. I think. If you didn’t know anything about Twatter or Farcebook or MopeSpace you’d be forgiven for thinking that someone at the paper had just trained a monkey to vomit Alphabeti-Spaghetti onto a page and then copied it. I still haven’t been able to confirm that this is NOT what they did, in fact, do.

I will re-print (completely without express permission) some of the ‘better’ ones with a brief Beer Bloke translation, re-interpretation and deconstruction of the writer’s thoughts. And I use those last two words very loosely.

Clifton Hill “My Ma lives in Clifton Hill. Do you reckon she’d be upset if I didn’t visit ‘til this swine thing blows over?” breesharman

BEERBLOKES – No, breesharman, that won’t upset her you daft twat. And I don’t know what will upset her more, your apparent lack of basic family manners or the fact that you wasted 30 seconds of your life posting that dribble.

Altona “Saturday we go to Altona Gate and buy new trackie pants.” Tweetiebard

BEERBLOKES – I knew Twatter was a complete waste of time. It seems some are using it to present their Grade One English homework. And not well. But combining the names of a wimpy avian cartoon character and the world’s greatest playwright – that’s literary gold!!

Preston “Dreamt last night of Narnia mixed with Star Wars meets Neighbours in Preston. No more Milo before bed for me.” miffyp123

BEERBLOKES – no, instead try this; smack yourself as hard as you can, as many times as you can, upside your thick melon until reality returns you to our world, Earth. And may the force be with you as Charlene destroys the Death Star and it explodes covering you in Turkish Delight.

Mordialloc “Am traumatised by monophonic Mexican hat dance ringtone belonging to pale blue parka wearing woman who gets off at Mordialloc station.” randomcollette

BEERBLOKES – I think you might find that the feeling you get after waking to find your entire family murdered in the bed next you – ‘traumatised’. Surviving a high-speed road crash – ‘traumatised’. Discovering that all the beer in your fridge has turned into Corona – ‘traumatised’. Annoying ringtone on a train? Next time it goes off, pull a sombrero out and smile at her as you put it on.

Frankston “Nando’s is basically mundanely exotic; sort of like putting on a Brazillian mardi gras in the middle of Frankston.” crushtor

BEERBLOKES – The difference between living in Frankston and breaking your arm – you know that one day your arm will get better.

I hope they keep doing this section in the paper.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

What the Twat is Twitter?

I am right into this blogging caper. Love it, really. Didn’t think I would but, there you go. I guess I just wasn’t sure why anyone would be in the slightest bit interested in what I thought or cared to write about. Some of my early ramblings probably supported this belief but, as time wore on, I learned to post what I guessed my readers wanted to read and tried to stay ‘on topic’ and entertaining.

But this shit is different. What is it with this Twitter thing? Is it just me that doesn’t get it? Someone told me it is a great way to get information to people quickly and easily. Isn’t that what blogs are ‘sposed to be for? Yeah, he said, but this is quicker and easier and you only use 140 characters and you can send them from your mobile phone. So, it’s designed for people too lazy to write a blog? Nah! Just for stuff that’s quick and immediate, you know? No, no I don’t know. Because I have seen Twitter and that is not what it seems to be.

I know of a few people who are using it’s immediacy and brevity to good use – to promote events, announce the tapping of a new keg/cask, and sending relevant information to plenty of people quickly – but these folk seem to be in the minority. By a lonnnnnnnnnnng way.

Twitter seems to have been over run by hapless drones whose lives are so NOT interesting that they simply have to share them with the world in order for them to become valid. Or maybe I’m just getting jaded and old. But take this as a prime example. Hugh Jackman, Aussie actor/heart-throb/all round good bloke gets himself a Twitter thingy going for his fans. Fair enough. This technology is supposed to be for people who need to fire off important stuff but don’t have the time to do it in blog form. Here’s a snippet, if I may;

“Having a great time. Plane just flying over the Sydney Opera Centre.”

Well, it’s nearly a sentence, isn’t it? But what gets me is that he is clearly NOT EVEN WRITING IT HIMSELF!!! I am just assuming this as, being an AUSTRALIAN and everything, he would be familiar with the Sydney Opera HOUSE!!!! Would David Beckham tell his fans that he was “just passing The House of LOURDES”? OK bad example, he might just be that thick, but you know what I mean. If the Twitter thing is for people too time-poor to blog, then at least do it yourself!

And, is there any danger that we might get something that is even vaguely interesting and that adds to the sum total of human endeavour? Or is that asking too much? Tweet away if you’ve got something to say, but please, please ... I’m seriously concerned that if we put too much more shite on this inter-web thingy, it will break.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

P.S. I have just started collecting some Twatter gems for a series of posts to highlight the abuse of this fine technology. At least I think I will. I might get someone else to write it for me.