Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I Don't do Twatter

Further to my recent post lamenting the dumbing down of our modern world through the very tools which should be making us smarter comes this. Those readers with a deep and personal emotional attachment to social networking sites, look away NOW.

My local paper has begun a column called Street Tweet – What’s the Twitter where you live? A quarter page of Twatter Tweets which are supposedly representative of the suburbs from which they are ‘tweeted’. Examples of suburb based Twitterings. I think. If you didn’t know anything about Twatter or Farcebook or MopeSpace you’d be forgiven for thinking that someone at the paper had just trained a monkey to vomit Alphabeti-Spaghetti onto a page and then copied it. I still haven’t been able to confirm that this is NOT what they did, in fact, do.

I will re-print (completely without express permission) some of the ‘better’ ones with a brief Beer Bloke translation, re-interpretation and deconstruction of the writer’s thoughts. And I use those last two words very loosely.

Clifton Hill “My Ma lives in Clifton Hill. Do you reckon she’d be upset if I didn’t visit ‘til this swine thing blows over?” breesharman

BEERBLOKES – No, breesharman, that won’t upset her you daft twat. And I don’t know what will upset her more, your apparent lack of basic family manners or the fact that you wasted 30 seconds of your life posting that dribble.

Altona “Saturday we go to Altona Gate and buy new trackie pants.” Tweetiebard

BEERBLOKES – I knew Twatter was a complete waste of time. It seems some are using it to present their Grade One English homework. And not well. But combining the names of a wimpy avian cartoon character and the world’s greatest playwright – that’s literary gold!!

Preston “Dreamt last night of Narnia mixed with Star Wars meets Neighbours in Preston. No more Milo before bed for me.” miffyp123

BEERBLOKES – no, instead try this; smack yourself as hard as you can, as many times as you can, upside your thick melon until reality returns you to our world, Earth. And may the force be with you as Charlene destroys the Death Star and it explodes covering you in Turkish Delight.

Mordialloc “Am traumatised by monophonic Mexican hat dance ringtone belonging to pale blue parka wearing woman who gets off at Mordialloc station.” randomcollette

BEERBLOKES – I think you might find that the feeling you get after waking to find your entire family murdered in the bed next you – ‘traumatised’. Surviving a high-speed road crash – ‘traumatised’. Discovering that all the beer in your fridge has turned into Corona – ‘traumatised’. Annoying ringtone on a train? Next time it goes off, pull a sombrero out and smile at her as you put it on.

Frankston “Nando’s is basically mundanely exotic; sort of like putting on a Brazillian mardi gras in the middle of Frankston.” crushtor

BEERBLOKES – The difference between living in Frankston and breaking your arm – you know that one day your arm will get better.

I hope they keep doing this section in the paper.

Prof. Pilsner

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