Ale Stars in Darlo

A quick shout-out to all those readers in New South Wales to let you know that The Local Taphouse in Sydney is holding their first Ale Stars session on Tuesday April 7. As regular readers will have guessed this event is one of my extra special favourite things to do that concerns beer and if you are anywhere near the joint on the first Tuesday of the month, get in and have a ball. And a beer. Or four.

Andrew Gow is the Ale Stars Tzar for the Sydney crowd and he is a bloke who is not only passionate about beer and brewing but communicates his knowledge and thoughts really well. He is also very capable of encouraging discussion and debate so those who attend will feel encouraged to participate rather than feel they are sitting in a classroom situation – a classroom where you have to drink beer, and where your homework will involve drinking more beer, but ... Interaction and discussion is what makes Ale Stars such a great night out. I was fortunate enough to have a good beer-chat with AG when he was down for an Ale Stars session late last year and I know he will bring a great vibe to the Darlo Ale Stars.

‘AG’ also knows just a little bit about beer having spent a fair amount of time as a brewer in some of Australia’s most highly regarded craft brewing operations. Mountain Goat, Matilda Bay and now at Five Islands in Wooloongong, AG will provide the nuts and bolts of the whole brewing process without the need for a Tech-Foul bell which means that beer lovers of all experience and knowledge levels will get something extra out of an Ale Stars session. If we have learned anything from the St Kilda Ale Stars sessions it is that you certainly get out of it what you put in. Be a part of it and it becomes so much more than just drinking beer.

On behalf of the St Kilda Ale Stars, I wish you all the best as you begin your journey of beer discovery!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Ale Stars – English Pale Ales and handicapping

People often ask me about beer. It’s not as if they stop me in the street and say; “Hey, aren’t you Prof. Pilsner? Tell me all about beer!” or anything like that, it’s just that if you stand around in the same place for long enough, holding a beer the whole time, people get an impression. I’m fine with that. Passion and beer, hand-in-hand.

So, just because you happen to do OK in a beer trivia quiz, and then you follow that up with another reasonable effort – in a team situation, mind you – and then you just happen to make passing mention of this fact on a little-read beer blog, well, that’s no reason to be singled out and publicly ‘outed’ as a beer-smartarse, is it? No, I didn’t think so either.

Shandy and Steve kicked off the latest instalment of Ale Stars by welcoming the newcomers and telling the assembled crowd that I was too clever and whichever team I happened to be on would be punished by beginning the quiz with a two point handicap. Luckily beer people don’t take themselves too seriously! (Plus, you’ll need more than two points to take me out!! Bastards!!)

Now, I know I usually devote the bulk of this review to describing the beers we tried, the opinions forwarded along with reporting the usually fair and un-tampered-with results of the beer trivia quiz (including any outstanding efforts like if someone has never been on a losing team and has, say for example, only got three questions wrong ever) but this time the review is different. Because Ale Stars is different. Something has changed. The beers themselves are important, but not THAT important. We are no longer a group of strangers who happen to turn up in the same place on the same Tuesday every month and sample beers – friendships have formed and some now meet up beforehand for SUBS and catch up with others and others again stay back afterwards and have a couple of sneaky afters and shit is talked and fun is had and groups have joined up to form larger groups. And isn’t that what beer is all about? Isn’t beer great!?!

For those unable to make the night, here are the details. The very well organised Shandy had arranged the perfect evening to suit the English Pale Ale style. A perfect Melbourne Autumn evening – grey, drizzly and a little gloomy – just like a balmy English summer day, really. In a recent post we looked at Desert Island Beers and the first picked by Shandy was Timothy Taylor’s Landlord. This was our first up beer and I can see why he could have this for the rest of his life. By the way, it's not the Tim Taylor from 'Home Improvement'. There you go.

Samuel Smith’s Old Brewery Pale was next up and with this one feelings were a bit mixed, particularly for those fortunate enough to have had any of these beers on tap or, better still, hand pulled from the cask. A lively debate on Northern vs Southern preferences, sparklers and hand pumps and all things Ale-y followed as we moved to a Fuller’s London Pride and finished with a Worthington’s White Shield. You can find out more about all the nice beers we had by contacting Shandy or visiting your local beer shop!

Veteran Ale Star Ben then led us on a merry Show-And-Tell about his recent international sporting tournament win in Perth recently. It’s not often that you get to share beers with an actual international sporting title holder – and this was no exception. More on Ben’s efforts in more detail in a separate post.

As the beer flowed and the groups chatted the news was announced that the next Ale Stars would be the long awaited ‘Road Trip’ – The Ale Stars take on the Yarra Valley in a bus Tour 09. Coldsteam Brewery for samples, Hargreaves Hill Restaurant & Bar at Yarra Glen for lunch (and beer) and finishing with the new (so new it ain’t even open yet!) White Rabbit Brewery out Healesville way. Nice! I can hear the laughter already.

As is now the case, Ale Stars finished off with a mingling of Ale Stars around the bar and beyond with beer chat a-plenty and plans being made for the road trip. A special mention to the new faces on Tuesday night (about 8 or so) who all seemed keen to return and to the recent-new faces who ween’t scared off too much and came back. And an extra special mention to Chris and Shandy’s new mates (names I’ve forgotten) who are hearing impaired – having to translate Shandy’s Scottish/Aussie into understandable English, then translate that into non-tech laymans language, then translate that into Auslan while drinking at the same time... top effort, boys. Sorry, TOP EFFORT, BOYS!! Just kidding.

A quick final mention and congratulations to the team known as Ready, Set, Drink who won the trivia quiz when the ‘winners’ (Taphouse staff) disqualified themselves for only having two members on their team when Shandy specifically asked everyone to form teams of FOUR OR FIVE!!! Tsk, Tsk. Nevermind, as I’ve stated here before, the results are not important, it’s all about fun. And only missing two answers and then with two more points deducted STILL came second to a team who cheated. Hmmm? Good effort, that.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Harden the F@#K UP lager

We have this famous bloke here in Australia. His name is Mark Brandon Read. To the uninitiated the name may evoke images of a starch-shirted chartered accountant or a kindergarten teacher. The obligatory use of the middle name, however, should probably give a hint as to the real fame (or infamy) of Mr Read.

He is better known by his nickname, ‘Chopper’, and is definitely NOT a kindergarten teacher. Chopper is a crim. A convicted career criminal, Read served time for various offences including assault, kidnapping, torture, armed robbery and firearm offences. He also had an inmate cut off his ears for him. Pardon?

Anyway, since leaving his life of crime behind him he has taken to making a living as an author, children’s book writer, painter and rap artist. Eric Bana portrayed his life in the film ‘Chopper’, we got to see his snag in the recent mini series on gang crime, ‘Underbelly’ and comedian Heath Franklin has made a fair career out of taking the piss as Chopper the kid’s show host, weatherman and travel agent. His catch phrase is ‘Harden The F@#K Up!!’

So you would expect that Choppers latest incarnation would be a little more ballsy than a 6% ABV lager. That’s right, Chopper has given his permission (and bank account deposit details, presumably) to the good folk at Bintara Brewery in Victoria’s Rutherglen (not too far from the stamping ground of legendary bushranger Ned Kelly) to whack his name and likeness on beer bottles. They don’t, however, have his beer on or near their website.

I am going to give the beer a go tonight and in the meantime I will leave you with this very interesting review from a Chopper fan site;

Chopper has his own Brand of Beer Guaranteed to get your ears off as Chopper would say.A mad 6% Strength

Chopper heavy is a clean Australian style lager. Its golden colour has an extra lustre with a spark or flame of light refracted in the glass. A full bodied beer with the characteristic hoppy bitterness and a thick creamy head.
The beer is paler than heavy pilsners and is made from soft local water.
The beer has a malt driven bouquet, a mild hoppy palate and a slightly bitter after taste.
Chopper Heavy is handcrafted in small batches that comply with traditional methods
Hmmm. A ‘spark or flame of refracted light’ ...

I’ll let you know what gets refracted tomorrow.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Meanwhile, here’s ‘Chopper’ pretending to be comedian Heath Franklin ... or is that the other way around? That's if I can get the stupid internets thingys to work - otherwise just look for Chopper on that youtyubey thingy ... you know, tha webbysite where all the monkeys wee on thereselfs.

When great ideas become reality

A few years back I was helping out a electrician mate, working as his ‘wire monkey’, running cables, drilling holes, wiring light fittings and stuff when we hit on an idea.

We were spending plenty of time on the roads going from one job to the next and we began to dismay at the generally poor attitude of so many drivers. Not the blatant hoon type behaviour or dangerous driving that is just scary to watch but the low-level, common garden variety dickhead behaviour that is, sadly, all too common. Tail-gating, lane-changing, discourteous ‘Yes, I DO think I’m the only car on the road’ kind of attitude.

We conceded that, while no single action was particularly worthy of wasting the time of the police or the courts, we reckoned that there had to be some way of curbing the attitude that it’s OK to drive like a total tool. My solution was ‘The Card’. A card for dickheads.

Any copper who spotted someone doing any or all of these low-level dickhead-y things could simply record the rego number, slow the car down, hand the driver his Card and be on his way. The Card would carry a small token fine and a warning – Learn Or Burn. Collect too many dickhead Cards and you lose your licence, cop a bigger fine or be forced to walk the main street of your capital city wearing a sandwich board proclaiming “I Am A Dickhead”. Simple.

We both conceded that this would all be just a pipe dream, but there was still just a glimmer of hope. Today, that hope, that dream became a glorious reality.

A court in Perth, Western Australia, has handed a $400 fine to a man for – get this – barking like a dog in his front yard!! How good is THAT!! The Magistrate said the man was ‘carrying on like an idiot’. Or, perhaps a dickhead!!

I think that The Card has just been born.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Here is something else that won’t work

Following on from my slap to the bald foreheads of the dopey professors who wish to scare all the normal people into having no more than 1 ½ stubbies of beer at any one time (what are we supposed to do with the other half, Poindexters?!?) comes the next instalment in the Nanny State’s quest to run the whole wide world at the level of the dumbest common denominator.

Warning labels on all alcohol products sold in Australia akin to the kind used to do little more than raise tax through cigarette sales are being proposed. These warnings would take the form of graphic representations of the dangers or the results of drinking. As the ciggie warnings aim to achieve, so too would these booze-bangs be aimed at preventing silly people from doing silly things.

Picture a nice bottle of NZ Sauvignon Blanc with the winemaker’s logo alongside a rotting liver. Maybe a chilled stubby of finely crafted ale featuring a teenage girl vomiting in a gutter? Perhaps you’d prefer a six-pack of mainstream macro lager, each can showing a different pissed idiot sporting an alcohol driven injury? Collect the full set! Swap with your mates! I just need the tool with bloody knuckles who punched the road sign and I’ve got the lot!

Or consider the following tableau, acted out in one of our city’s finest dining rooms;

The immaculately presented waiter with the long white apron and starched shirt approaches the couple who are about to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary with a rather expensive bottle of imported sparkling.

“I trust sir and madam will enjoy the 1968 Chateau de Or-Hor-Horr. Note the fine moussey texture, the hint of peach and bergamot on the nose and the very fine pictorial representation of the young woman being gang-raped by the drunken low-lifes. Enjoy!!”

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again here and I’ll keep saying it – dickheads are dickheads because they lead the lives of dickheads. They are dickheads and they won’t suddenly stop being dickheads because you charge them extra (in tax) and tell them that it is bad to do naughty things. And here’s a picture. They know right from wrong and they don’t really care. Drunk or sober. Dickheads. Get it?

The very great majority of us who responsibly enjoy a beer, a wine, a spirit or kava from a coconut shell do the right thing. All the time. Don’t punish us because there are a handful of knuckle-draggers who know the difference between a toilet and a handbag but choose to abuse and flaunt the basic tenets of civilised society. Spend some of your time, effort and research grants (from tax) and get to them at primary school before they have their behaviour approved and sanctioned by do-gooders and civil libertarians who don’t wish to see the poor little buggers punished for something that is clearly not their fault. Or is it their fault? Hmmm.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

The Bloke is back. And he’s not happy.

After a month of rearranging or cancelling plans, sorting out babysitters and coping with lack of sleep due to the recent weather activity, I was really looking forward to the prospect of a quiet weekend spent with family and friends – and beer. And plenty of it.

So what better way to really piss me off than this; get a collection of lab-coated, clipboard-clutching Poindexters in need of more Federal Government funding to piss up against a wall and get them all to ignore all the research they had just been paid to do and come up with a new set of figures designed to really piss me off. Mission accomplished, Egg-Heads!!

You see, a little while back some group of academic pin-heads called the National Health and Medical Research Council decided that there just HAD to be a number that we could attach to the amount of booze a man or a woman could/should have before they would grow a second head, try to stop trams with their faces and cost society its innocence. They have now halved the number.

Two quick things, beer researchers;

1) Stop making up new research figures, and
2) Piss Off!!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

PS The lass at the top is NOT one of the lab-coated dickheads to which I referred. I'm not sure she's even a REAL scientist.

We now return you to normal programming

At around 7 50pm on Wednesday night the pager beeped yet again. This time, however, the message was the one we had been looking forward to for the past three weeks. There were no more specific requests for fire or storm related tasks like running forward command centres (FCC), Municipal Emergency Response Centres (MERO), Incident Response Centres (ICC), Relief Centres or CFA Staging Areas. We were also informed that the RECC (Regional Emergency Communications Centre) would revert to a Central Duty Officer (CDO) role as of twenty hundred hours that night. I could begin thinking about things returning to normal (BEER).

The following day the news came through that the Kilmore East/Murrundindi complex fire that had been burning out of control, and the cause of much of the devastation and death since Black Saturday, was now officially listed as ‘contained’. That means that it was still burning, but within containment lines. This fire alone – and remember it was one of about eight significant blazes – had torched just on 186,000 hectares. That’s like a small country.

Our last three weeks have been spent either out and about at various fire grounds assisting with clean-up or recce operations, running information and liaison centres for residents in affected or threatened areas, lighting and supplying staging areas ahead of bushfire operations or bracing for, and then cleaning up after, wild wind and rain storms that lashed the state last week. Victoria – 46 degrees one week, pissing down the next. Lucky we are known for our sense of humour.

We’ve come to the back end of our worst fire season ever. The heatwave that gave us some three weeks of plus-thirty degree days dotted with four and five day bursts of plus-forties is over. The storms and rains have passed.

I’ve missed my blogging. Truth be told, I’ve missed my beer. he odd one or two here and there without the luxury of being able to sit and sip and really enjoy it. We’ll get right back into that –starting this week. Except that my team is ‘on-call’ this week, so maybe next week. Dr Lager and his family are over for lunch on the public holiday Monday, so may just give it a fair old nudge before the week begins.

And, while I haven’t had the time or energy to post much at all, I have been busy collecting thoughts, opinions and stories for the blog. And be warned – some arse clowns are in the sights for some serious back-handers. It’s good to see that the dickheads have not been idle while I’ve been busy.

Stay tuned.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Oh! Very Funny!!

Heatwave? Check
Worst bushfires ever? Check
Wild winds? Check.
Unseasonal dumping of massive quantities of rain in a very short space of time? Check

Did we miss anything?

Apparently so.

Last night at 8.52 we thought we heard a large helicopter – not unlike the giant orange Sikorsky Skycranes that we have become accustomed to hearing on their way to or from the fires – passing close overhead. Not.

An earth tremor measuring 4.6 shook the house for about 5 seconds (though it seemed like a minute at the time) and loudly rattled all the special beer glasses on the special beer glass shelf.

None were lost.

To the man upstairs, that’ll do us for now. Thanks.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Just in case you thought it was over ...

Chatting casually over a beer with a mate last week we both made a disturbing observation regarding the Victorian bushfires that scorched a large chunk of the state on February 7.

In the days of extreme temperatures leading up to Black Saturday, experts, commentators and anybody with a forum to talk was comparing the conditions to those that contributed to the Ash Wednesday bushfires of 1983. These fires claimed 79 lives in Victoria and South Australia including many fire fighters.

It was at this point that we realised the current fires had not taken hold in any of the towns or suburbs that had become synonymous with that tragedy, in particular the towns and communities in the Dandenong Ranges half an hour east of the city of Melbourne and five minutes from our town. Worse still, the recent decade of drought had left the ranges and surrounds tinder dry and full of fuel.

Just before 3pm yesterday afternoon a grass fire began as a result of someone grass slashing in a paddock and within minutes a smoke plume the size of Oprah’s arse had risen above the backdrop of the hills to our east. Within twenty minutes it was well on it’s way to becoming a twenty hectare blaze. By school pick up time a reasonable degree of panic was beginning to set in as parents picked kids up from school or discovered that road closures and lock-ins meant that they couldn’t get to the kids school at all. By 5pm a relief centre had been established and evacuations had begun and by 6pm, instead of a nice cold beer, I was out setting up lighting and organising crews to man a CFA staging area where half a dozen strike teams of six vehicles each was assembled to fight the blaze into the night.

Grandad came over to mind the kids as Mrs Pilsner was away at a conference. In keeping with the bushfire theme, the original location for her conference was Warburton an hour east of here but a CFA major threat warning meant a hasty change of venue. Fortunately, the company hosting the event had a sister venue in Hepburn Springs, two hours north of Melbourne. Unfortunately, a CFA major threat warning was issued for Daylesford, eight kms south of Hepburn Springs for a fire covering abou 2,000 hectares,so she sure trumped mine! The conference was able to continue but they may not be able to get out anytime soon! Lucky I’m good at looking after kids!

I was back at the staging area this morning and, while the fires in our backyard are under control, there are concerns for the rest of the week – especially as Fridays expected top temperature of 38C with wicked winds means everybody on fire trucks is still as toey as a Roman sandal – so it may be a while yet before we get round to that nice cold beer.

So, while the worst bushfires in our history have begun to fade from the front pages of the paper, it’s sobering to think that some 800 plus appliances are still cleaning up or are on standby in those areas and dozens of others are bracing for round two out this way. Interesting, also, to speculate about the hundred or so evacuees at the relief centre we are co-ordinating and the other hundred or so at two other venues just the other side of the hills – before February 7, I bet most would have stayed behind to defend their homes. I guess that day highlighted the value of loved ones and the difference between flesh and blood and bricks and mortar.

Cheers,Prof. Pilsner

PS Shandy; hope you enjoyed your Mr Extreme Bike Dude weekend in the Dandenongs! When you told me you’d be burning up the track .... !

Rebuilding – One beer at a time

The Local Taphouse Bushfire Benefit Gig

The Victorian Bushfires which devastated several entire communities on Black Saturday, February 7 could not burn the spirit of the greater community. The generosity shown by so many people in so many ways is as inspirational as it is helpful. From sausage sizzles to street collections, from garage sales to farmers markets, it seems everyone has found a way to raise much needed funds to those who have lost so much.

The crew at The Local Taphouse know the mystical community strengthening powers of beer and it was only logical that a fundraiser should be held to allow the followers of the Amber Nectar to show their support for those affected by and those assisting after the bushfire tragedy. The loss of the brewery at Hargreaves Hill gave the event a local focus and it was decided that half the proceeds would be directed to Simon and Beth to get them back and brewing as soon as possible.

Owners and operators of The Local Taphouse, Steve and Guy got the keg rolling with a first up donation upon announcing the benefit night, along with the proceeds of the door and assorted raffles, auctions and beery prize packs. Before long there was a list as long as a draught horse dray of brewers donating kegs, t-shirts, six-packs and pallets of beery cheer to ensure that the night would be a large one.

Stand-up comedy and plenty of good beer on tap kicked the night off after which the zany Janet (host of Sunday Night Trivia) conducted auctions and raffle draws. A full list of sponsors, supporters and suppliers is printed below. Look after them when you can. Fast and furious bidding saw the Beermasons' supplied beer gift packs go for a tidy sum and some of the Taphouse staff might be handy people to know in the next few weeks! Seriously, with all the six-packs, gift packs, t-shirts and stuff flying around you’d be forgiven for thinking you had stepped into a beer merchandise convention. Or maybe the set of the Price Is Right if it was run by Les Patterson rather than Reg Grundy.

The night stepped up a gear with The Band Who Knew Too Much – some seriously good noise – who had the crowd dancing and working up a thirst. Two very worthy pursuits. As the night wound down and the last of the punters sauntered off into the warm Melbourne evening, there was time to reflect on the success of the night both socially and fundraising-ly - a feeling of satisfaction for the result, tinged with sadness for the reason.

The Local Taphouse managed to raise around $13,000 on the night from a tenner for entry, management donations, a hefty dollar match between Greg Hack and Accenture, raffles, auctions and, of course, beer sales. I helped out a bit in this department. Plus I ended up going in on my own and I gave Stephan a twenty at the door and just pretended I was there with a mate.

A special mention must go to the bar staff of The Local Taphouse who made the decision to donate all their tips from time of the bushfires to the benefit night two weeks later in a gesture that was as inspirational as it was generous. $2500 was no small contribution to the cause.

Congratulations to all involved and all those who drank so generously – but let’s hope we don’t have to do it ever again.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

... and a huge, pallet-o-slabs sized thank you to;
Matilda Bay Brewing (Fosters) Malt Shovel Brewery, Mountain Goat Brewery, 2 Brothers, Little Brewing Company, Otway Estate Brewery, NSW Brewers Guild, Little Creatures Brewery, Red Hill Brewery, Temple Brewing, Jamieson Brewery, St Arnou Brewing Company, Holgate Brewhouse, Beermasons, Stef Hanson Personal Training, Greg Hack – Accenture, Dave Andrews – Innspire, The Hotel Lincoln, and The Band Who Knew Too Much.

And finally, to Steve, Guy, Justin and the crew at The Local Taphouse, thanks for all your generosity at a time when I know you must all be as flat out as Oprah at a sticky bun eating competition.