Holidays and Beer

Is there a better series of words in the whole English language? No, seriously. Read the title again. Go on, I’ll wait here. Holidays and beer. HOLIDAYS AND BEER. Mmmm, holidays. Mmmm, beer. Just the very thought of the two – holiday, and all that it embodies- and beer, and all the beer you can ‘embody’ while on holiday.

The fact that you don’t have the same 9-to-5 responsibilities that you have at work or with family, and the fact that you are not as answerable to anyone like you are when you are ‘on the clock’ is like a bone to a starving dog, a Papal Blessing to a devout Catholic or the promise of ten minutes of fame to an Australian Idol hopeful. Or, like a beer to a thirsty man.

This is the story of two thirsty men. And their holiday. And some beer.

Around this time last year the Beer Blokes joined forces and families for their annual holidays and spent a week and a half at Alexandra Headland on the Sunshine Coast in the sunny state of Queensland. This year it was decided that, as the kids had successfully completed the previous experience without killing each other or driving the parents too insane, that we would do it all again this year. And so, heading a little further north to Noosa the adventure continued and a new chapter written. And, of course, the drinking beer bit has provided some more material for an entertaining and informative Beer Blokes post.

Travelling separately due to work commitments, the Blokes, their Blokettes and total of three mini blokettes and one mini bloke met up on a fine but overcast Monday afternoon in adjoining apartments on the river at Noosaville. Having insured that the kids were safely out of the car, Dr. Lager and I headed off into ‘town’ with some haste to seek out sustenance. We found it in the 24 x 375ml form of Dr. Lagers’ choice of ‘stock’ beers, Toohey’s Extra Dry. The basic plan was to hold slab stock of a standard, ‘everybody-can-drink-it-anytime’ kind of mainstream lager which would be complimented – augmented, if you like – by six packs and singles of testers and tasters and local specialties.

The great thing about holiday beers is that you that; a) you don’t have to worry about driving home – you can wander off the neighbours back porch and onto your own in two to seven staggered steps and; b) see a). Oh, and of course because you don’t have to wait til’ dinner to drink them. So sitting out on the deck watching the ducks and the boats go by you can have a Blonde with breakfast, a lager with your lunch, a Dortmunder with your dinner, and even an ale with afters. And when your afters are a bucket of Tin Can Bay prawns and three different dippin’ sauces, well, the ale goes down noice.

And the Extra Dry went down noice, too. So the next day we bought a new slab. Nah, nah, just kiddin’. It took a bit longer than that. A bit. We then went for the Profs choice - Boag’s Draught and it, too, went down a treat. This slab was followed by another Dr. Lager selection; Cascade Premium. Again, nice. Good easy drinking beers that match well with holiday food, holiday activities and late night twenty-twenty cricket telecasts. And you can drink a few when you’re responsibility receptors are set in holiday mode and still wake up pretty fresh in the morning. Which is extra special if your kids get up on holidays when the sun does. In Queensland, this is between 4.30 and 5.00am during October. Not noice.

The two families enjoy a nice meal rather than the standard take away or barbecued-to-death sausage and chop, so the supplementary beers had to have enough personality and flavour to carry their weight alongside things like Moroccan lamb or spicy quesadillas, seasoned chicken or salt and pepper calamari and Indonesian spiced rice. Amply handling this role with beery aplomb were Hansa Pils and Weihenstephaner Pilsner and Original from Germany, Boag’s Wizard Smith Ale and Eumundi Lager, brewed locally. And the odd bod of the brew bunch was the new, limited offering from Foster’s, Crown Gold. This is a piggyback marketing release where the brewer has taken an existing and, in this case, bewilderingly popular brew, and produced a mid strength version.

They did this last year with VB mid strength and previously they had a good deal of success with VB Original Ale but to take their flagship ‘premium’ beer and dumb it down seems a little puzzling. The Dr and I both looked at each other quizzically on the first taste and the consensus was a resounding ‘why bother?’ Crown holds an inexplicable place in many drinkers minds as a dinner table beer or a reward from the boss to the minions at the Christmas party but it is, in reality, Foster’s Lager with a further fermentation and gold highlights on the label. As a mid strength it merely weakens its already flimsy and ethereal foundations. Still, a beer is a beer is a beer.

We were a little surprised by the sameness of the fare on offer around the place – all the outlets we visited (and we visited as many as we could ) had pretty much identical stock lists and many seemed to devote more space to RTD’s and girly fizz than to anything more than a few shelves of XXXX and Toohey’s New, VB and Carlton Draught and even Dan Murphy’s seemed a little light on for craft brews and specials. I don’t know if this is another of those ‘chicken/egg’ things. Do the suppliers stock limited range because holiday makers only buy mainstream local lager, or do holiday makers buy that because the suppliers don’t stock anything more interesting or unusual?

At the end of the day, the best beer is the one in your hand and even better is the beer shared between friends over a meal. The Beer Blokes certainly tipped the scales in favour of the latter and plans are already afoot for next years Beer Bloke Holiday and Lager Adventure.

Prof. Pilsner

Happy Beer-day To Us

The first Tuesday in November is a special one to Australians. It is Melbourne Cup Day and it is the day on which they run the ‘race that stops a nation’. In describing it, the media has bandied about words like ‘iconic’ and ‘hallowed’ so often that they have had their true meanings diluted. Bruce would probably sum it up best as ‘Spairrrrr-shul’. It really should come already red-circled from the printer when you buy your calendar.

It also marks the genesis of one of this country’s least known and least praiseworthy business ventures. It was last years Melbourne Cup that saw two blokes win enough cash to buy the gear that brewed the beer that made the name - of the Beer Blokes.



And so, on Cup Day a year later, it is fitting that I look back and take stock of the preceding twelve months activities, frivolities, trivialities and beer-ities. Oh, and the tit-it-ties.


I would like to begin by thanking all the people who have happened across the site since we first began with a post (comprising a single line, I think) titled ‘Humble Beginnings’. While some of my opinions and musings may at times appear a little boastful or educated, I like to think that the general flavour and feel of the site has remained essentially humble. As Beer Blokes we have felt the responsibility that the power of the medium holds, even if we are only being powerful to two or three readers. So thank you all, for finding us, for visiting, for staying on and, most importantly, for not slagging us off. There are plenty of sport based blogs and forums for that sort of back-and-forth baiting and puerile point scoring!*

I would love to see any readers who have not yet made a reply to a post til’ now drop us a quick hello, just so that I can get an idea of the numbers we are attracting. No, it won’t stop me from writing this carp if I was to find out that the readership is in single figures, and I certainly don’t have the time nor the inclination to use reader information to sell internet schemes and todger enlargement kits. So don’t be afraid, just be a friend. Better grab a beer and a break. Back soon.

Back. I hope we have been informative as well as entertaining. I reckon we have managed to kick start a few debates and raise the level of awareness about beer brands, beer culture and the mystical beer-sport nexus as well as providing some, at times, humorous insights into the world of home brewing. It is now also a year since we began our home brew adventure and to date, touch wood, we are yet to produce a flat batch, brew any cats’ piss or blow up the kitchen or the shed. So it proves that brewing your own beer is not something that is beyond the average bloke and that you don’t need to be a chemical engineer to produce a very drinkable and enjoyable drop.

The Beer Blokes beer production is about to move into high volume production again. I had hoped to have a greater stock of ‘green’ beer put away to mature by now but some de-cluttering of the brewing premises and a heavier than anticipated general workload has led to a slow down in building up the supplies. Fortunately I have had the time to consume plenty of existing supplies and this has had a two-fold reward. I have got to drink some very tasty beer and smile quietly knowing that I had brewed it, and it has made some extra space in the wardrobe for the next batches. And for some summer clothes. I may be able to have both.

But probably not. Just beer.

I hope, also, that the Blokes have been instrumental in keeping our readership up to date with brew news from various sources, wether it be new product news or brewing and drinking trends or just the general talk from around the bars and pubs and restaurants. And of course, I believe we have unmasked that dreaded and insidious beast who lurks, anonymous and unnamed, beneath the foamy surface of the Beer World creating fear and confusion with his dastardly deceptions – the beer marketing executive and his ever obedient minions- or, The Beer Boogieman.

The Beer Blokes like to think that we have taken on the role of a kind of ‘Canned Crusader’, seeking out this evil doer who would sell his wares at any cost ignorant of any loyalty to the truth. The Beer Bloke has sought to alert the drinkers of the world to the tricks and taunts of this black-caped blackguard and, rest assured, dear readers, we shall endeavour to continue the fight for Truth, Justice and the Ale & Lager way.

So thanks again for supporting us. We hope that you have, and will continue, to enjoy the Beer Blokes unique and lager-charged take on the world of beer, brewing and bullshitting. Cheers.
Dr. Lager & Prof. Pilsner.


*For an entertaining and very funny series of exchanges about the AFL/NRL support debate, pop over to Sportal.com and find this witty and erudite exchange. Dr. Lager has used the name Jabbers64 so that no-one will know it is him. Try not to tell anyone, OK? The internet isn’t global yet, is it?
http://forum.sportal.com.au/viewthread.aspx?t=11984&page=12

Movembeer

The month of November is Men’s Health Month and some of the Beer Blokes out there may have participated in a fundraising and awareness campaign known as Mo-vember where normally un-moustachioed males grow some mo’ during the month.

A regular reader of this drivel (THIS BLOG, NOT MEN'S HEALTH WEEK!) participated last year and had a very humorous website to track the mo-progress of himself and his work colleagues; if you are in again this year, the Blokes would like to know. I am happy to support such initiatives because they are a good fun way to raise awareness and money for a good cause. After all, the longer you live, the more beers you get to try!

Not to be outdone and in no way detracting from the real thing, I am starting a supplementary movement on these pages to encourage men to think about their manly health and to do something worthwhile at the same time. If you can’t grow a mo’ then maybe this is for you.

MO-vemBEER.

And it’s simple. During the month of November, try to drink as many beers beginning with MO or that have MO somewhere prominent in their title – or style. For example, I am kicking off my campaign for men’s health with a MOosehead from Canada and, while I’m there, I will go for a Unibroue specialty beer called La Fin Du MOnde – which translates as ‘the end of the world – and I can assure you, if you cop the old Jack the Dancer in the old prostate – that’s an ominous brew.

In all seriousness, I reckon this is as good an opportunity as any to promote the cause for prostate cancer and other ‘we don’t like to talk about these things especially Doctors puttin’ their fingers up there’ kind of medical issues. But the reality is that we need to do all we can to stay healthy and beer loving. We owe it to the beer.

Send us your MO selections; they can be a beer or a beer style – but don’t get too carried away by trying to drink a full selection, especially if you choose Monastery Beers, or even Mountain Goat or MOnteith's!

I don’t want to go the opposite way and be the cause of the deaths by beer drowning of the entire Beer Blokes squad!

Cheers, and Good Health.

Prof. Pilsner

The Sydney Experience

A Sporting Journey as seen through a glass of Beer.

As many readers will be aware, Professor Pilsner is something of a sports fan as well as a drinker and admirer of beer so I thought it as good an opportunity as ever to combine the two in the interests of further educating the non - beer world. What follows is a diary of sorts which tells the tale of travel, beer and triumph.

On Saturday September 23 the Melbourne Storm Rugby League club defeated the Parramatta Eels 26 - 10 a momentous occasion for all League followers in Victoria and for one in particular. The win under the roof at the Docklands Stadium ( Telstra doesn’t pay me a cent to advertise their name ) meant that, for the second consecutive year the Storm would play out a contest for the sports’ ultimate prize. For its’ supporters, this meant an opportunity to follow the boys north and share in the elation or the misery and to perhaps enjoy a few of the local liquid offerings. After all, I can have a few extras if I don’t have to fly the plane home, can’t I?

Having offloaded the car at some time before daylight on the Sunday of the game - for the non-leaguers, the NRL holds its Grand Final at night now - my thoughts turned immediately to the prospects of the weekend ahead. Beer. Mmm, beer. What brews would be offered? Where could I go and in what sort of atmosphere would I be drinking them in? Would there be a chance to get some Sydney beer culture experience squeezed in before heading out to the ground?

And then to the game. The what and the where of beer would be pretty straightforward. A couple of hundred little bars and tents dotted at intervals along the inner concourse of the Olympic Stadium (they still haven’t offered to pay me anything to call it Telstra) selling Toohey’s New and a Mid Strength or light, maybe a Heineken. The question would be how long the wait and would the spotty 18 year old girl from Spotless or whoever does the catering there know how to pour a beer into a plastic cup without making either ice cream or a scale model of the Nevada flatlands? And would she know the difference between a cold beer and a not?

But before I got to the game I had to get to Sydney. There would be beer there. Before I got to Sydney I had to get on the plane. They would have beer there, too. Before I got on the plane I had to get to the airport. Hmmm? Pace yourself, Professor, it’s a long day and night ahead, win or lose.

Virgin Blue sells Vbs for I think $5 on their flights and that’s not bad considering what you’d pay for one in nightclub or bar. But, as I have lamented before, why bother drinking VB when you go out if there is anything else on offer? A good example of what it is, but it’s not much really and it’s so readily available that there is little reason to drink it outside the home. If you have to. Crownies were a dollar more and in the words of Forrest Gump; “That’s orl ah gut ta say ‘bout that.”

Having a train at the airport in Sydney is great because it takes a lot of the guesswork out of leaving the airport. Which is even greater if you did have some Vbs for $5 on the plane. Mr Brumby, take note. Get a train built to our airport. And don’t think of calling it Brumby Station or Expensive Street Station. Or putting tolls on it. The guys I was meeting up with had come up a day earlier and I planned to meet them out at the hotel in Parramatta so it was change trains and off again. No beer to be found AT ALL either on the train or at the station. Some work to do here, Morris Ieamma. Iannemma. Enema Iamananna. Mr. Premier. Lunch at Westfield - that’s a big day out for the good folk of Parramatta. For those in Melbourne, think Frankston with not quite as much charm. Standard beer offerings only in the Woolies liquor department.

Back to the hotel. There is only so much excitement you can handle at Westfield before feeling a little giddy. The boys had some leftover Toohey’s Extra Dry and a handful of Crownies so they were put away while we watched the pre game shows and the junior grade Grand Final. Just like the players, the supporters need to prepare for the Big Show. Back on the train at three. No beer available still. Get to the ground. Lots of beer available. And here is where the AFL could take a tip from our northern neighbours.

Outside the ground there are two huge drinking areas set up for fans to meet and wind up and drink a beer. Both are fenced in and secured and have bands playing for free and reasonably priced beer - welcome to the collection Hahn Premium - and it means that you don’t have to commit to sitting inside in the sun watching the grass grow.

The AFL only provides corporately expensive and exclusive entertainment for its showpiece so that if you managed to get a ticket you have to sit through marching banner waving kids and Australian Idols squealing Waltzing Matilda. Or a cardboard Batmobile or the Goal Umpire Chorale or giant novelty inflatable footballers. This year we were treated to an upside down hanging lady who grabbed the cup and then couldn’t find her way down to the podium she was supposed to place it on. Mike Fitzpatrick relived his glory days by taking an easy receive and potting a cherry. Pass the beer, please.

The NRL fought back well by inflicting Nollsie on us but took the lead with the arrival of the Blackhawk helicopter which burned a huge chunk of the middle of the ground and the skydivers who bettered last years effort by landing three and only losing two. That’s one better than last year. But this year none landed on the stadium roof so that’s a good thing.

And on to the game. To their credit, the beers were cold, the staff efficient and friendly and the atmosphere was electric. The beers went down well and the game was a cracker. Sorry, Zak. I would just like to take this opportunity to say Hi to all the Manly supporters who bagged, slagged and in one case ‘flagged’ us before the game. I wasn’t able to catch up with all of you after the game. I was busy. Drinking. And hugging the trophy. And drinking. And, besides, most of you had left long before the game finished. That’s one area we have you beat in the AFL. The supporters stay till the end. Except Melbourne Demons fans. They like to get a headstart on the crowd to get the Range Rover out of the car park quickly. Even long suffering Richmond fans stay on, although, in truth, that’s just so they can rip up their memberships in disgust and berate the players as they walk up the race. That’s the tunnel for you NRL folk.

The after party was a little more unrestrained than at the same time last year and the beer was certainly going down more smoothly. And there was plenty of it. Until it ran out. Drinks with the boys and Molly Meldrum and Micky Roberts and Tiffany Cherry and who knows who else. Everyone was there. Back into the city to finish off the night with a 3am kebab and two Toohey’s New before stacking some zeds and heading back to the airport at 6.30 so we could fly back in time to meet the boys at home.

But the next three days of partying and public civic receptions and partying are a whole other story.

Did I mention that there was beer there?

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

The Blokes Is Back

After enjoying a well earned (?) rest on the mostly sunny Sunshine Coast, the Beer Blokes are back and filled with the joy of the coming Summer and the new brewing season. Why are you laughing? Yes, the Beer Blokes go on holiday together as well. And no, it’s not a gay thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. A sort of drinking conference, if you will.

A short report on the drinking scene in Queenslands’ tourist strip will follow shortly along with some brew news and some product reviews. But first some catch up. Thanks to our readers for your feedback. It is always welcome because it gives me some ideas and inspiration as well as confirming to me that I’m not just writing this crap for my own amusement. That is to say, I could pretend that I haven’t posted for a month because I wanted to flush out any dormant -sleeper-cell type readers but the reality is that I have just been a slack tart. And a busy one.

Now to some more topical items and a teaser for what is to come in the next few posts. First. There seems to be a boom in the production of "Idea Beers" at the moment. These are beers that appear to be made more for selling more than for drinking. In particular the sudden glut of low-carb and mid-strength beers. This situation is getting well out of hand and the blokes have loaded up both barrels for this one. Stay tuned. It’s a pisser. Beer marketing departments – you have been warned.

Second. Some tasting notes. The Beer Blokes have been away but still ‘on the clock’ so to speak. Together as well as independently, Dr Lager and I have been sampling some new and unusual beers. We had some good ones, we had some average ones and we had some that would have been best left in the marketing mans’ dreams. As always, these reviews will be full of interesting facts, figures and conclusions. All of which will be pure fiction and the product of an over stimulated and under developed imagination. And a perceived need to spread good cheer through good beer. But don’t take them too seriously.

Third. The Big Beer Roadtrip. October was a rather large and lager-fuelled month all in all. Beginning on the first, Prof. Pilsner hiked up to Sydney to enjoy the harbourside hospitality, the Emerald City beer and a reasonably entertaining night of Rugby League out at the Olympic Stadium. More on this soon. Much, much more. Sorry, Zak. Meanwhile, Dr Lager has been interstate for much of the month in two or three day stints for work and then for a week and a half for holidays and a little drinking. Mind you, Mrs Pilsner and Lager gave the old liver a fair pounding with the case o’ bubbles while we were away so it’s not like our research was completely unsupported. Then to finish the month, Dr Lager and I had the pleasure of attending our secondary school reunion. I tell you what, if I could go back in time I’d take a couple of thirteen year old mates aside and tell them that are going to be really funny bastards when they’re pissed! Very good night. And possibly worthy of a beer based review if I can get the copy passed by the lawyers.

So to all our readers – and a big welcome aboard to Len Pascoe (don’t suppose you’ve met Ross Henshaw ?) – I apologise for the delay in providing you with the beer based information and loosely-based-on-facts-sort-of tidbits relating to beer and brewing that you all so clearly crave. I will make it up to you with some crackers in the next month.

Brew Update September 2007

It’s been a while since I posted an update on the Beer Blokes Brewing enterprise and the main reason for this is economics. We had established such a large stockpile of maturing beer that I couldn’t really brew any more until I had space to store and mature the new stock. And I couldn’t move the old stock anywhere else, could I? And if I was going to brew more beer, I would need empties, wouldn’t I? Ergo, drink beer. I drink therefore I am.

Remembering that half of the first eight batches (at around 60 stubbies per batch) were put into theoretical storage over at Dr Lager’s and that we have produced another eight batches since, there were still a considerable number of slabs to stack and store. A dilemma that many would consider insurmountable at best. But I have come to the realisation that a man can only wear so many clothes before he becomes just a little vain and I have removed a small amount. About the same amount of clothing that eighteen slabs would take up in the walk in robe.

The only alternative is to build an extension onto the house. If I did build an extension it would need to incorporate a mash room, Lauter Tun, brew kettle and a bottling line – all fairly unfeasible in suburban Melbourne. Or is it? Hmmm. Or I could just drink more beer. And if, by drinking more beer, I am able to provide tasting notes, beer reviews and witty postings – well then, that’s just a bonus, isn’t it? So, drink it is. And, without meaning to sound smug, it’s been a fair drink.

It really is amazing and a bit comforting to know that the fruits of your labour can actually ripen and mature without going mouldy and furry like real labour fruits. Those annoying little voices in your head that say things like; "That tastes OK but it’s a bit flat in the aftertaste," when you first test a brew, give way to thoughts of; "I was never worried I knew it would come good and I told you so," a month or two down the track.

Supplies of our two first lagers and pale ale are nearly exhausted and, although they were all can-and-add-water-and-yeast kind of affairs, the taste for a first effort was pleasing and well received by honest friends. As time has passed, the ‘homebrewedness’ of the taste has slowly disappeared to the point now where it is really just in the kick of the aftertaste that you can tell it’s not the real deal. Or maybe it’s the standard bland-ard mainstream golden lagers that are not really the real deal.

The following four brews were more advanced in the making and have therefore become more advanced in the drinking. Made with the various additions of hops, improver kits and specialised yeast and dextrose, these beers have a more commercial real beer taste and the maturation improvement factor is noticeably higher. And coming in at a low of $ 6.24 and a high of $ 16.32 per slab, it’s beer you can take to the bank. I’m doing the household budget some big favours.
Next on the list are beers number 8 through 12. Give me a bit of time to taste test these and I’ll post another brew update soon. In the meantime, if any readers out there have some spare summer clothes, please drop me a line. I can arrange pick up.

Beer Drinking Games

As promised in a previous beer game-related article, I will neither encourage nor glorify irresponsible drinking. I will however, gladly share with the readers the many wonderful games which may happen to involve drinking. I just hope that people don’t misuse this knowledge and get dangerously silly playing them. But have a little silly by all means. Life is too short.
Let’s begin with some standard drinking games and their rules and highlights. I will also give ratings based on the playability and danger aspects of each.

TV based games.

There have been a few of these developed in recent times and they are easy to play. But beware, they can easily descend into lager-fuelled madness if you are not careful. The rules are simple; pick a TV show and sit all participants evenly around the television set. Decide on three or four ‘cues’ that players must be alert to. Upon identification of the ‘cue’, all players must drink – amounts to be decided upon beforehand. Repeat until program has concluded or when all beer has been exhausted. Or when all players have been exhausted.

Here are a few examples. And a few warnings. Home & Away. Players must skol a beer every time Alf says ’Flamin’ or ‘Strewth’ or each time a young & dumb girl gives a shocked or vacant stare upon hearing some life-changing news in the surf club cafe which is accompanied by foreboding background music. Sea Patrol. Drink every time the ships propeller is seen winding up or when someone uses the ships radio. Law & Order. Players drink every time the deep tonal two note BOOM- BOOM is heard. Do not apply this game style to Big Brother if you decide to drink whenever someone says anything banal or inane.

Physical Games.

My personal favourite is Dent The Can. A simple game in which an empty can is taken by a player and bashed into his or her own forehead. The can is then passed to the person on his or her left. This player repeats the forehead bashing. On their own forehead. The can is passed again to the left. The first person to bleed wins.

Word based games.

These can be the most fun you can have while drinking because the chances of someone cocking up and saying something hilariously funny and stupid is not only high but these chances increase as the game goes on.

I went to the Shop ... This game is a simple memory based word game in which players create a shopping list which is added to at each turn. The first player begins the game by saying; ‘ I went to the shop and I bought an apple’. The next player adds an item as well as repeating the first, i.e.; ‘ I went to the shop and I bought an apple AND a banana’. Players take turns, each adding a new item and repeating each preceding item until someone stuffs up. Then they have to drink. The game is made more interesting by changing the shopping location to, say, The Marital Aids Warehouse, from which players can choose from such fun supplies as ‘a Jumbo tub of Keep-It-Up-Cream’ or ‘King Kong Butt Plug’.

Categories. Nice and simple but very enjoyable once participants have had a few. Just pick a category and each player gives one example in turn until someone repeats an example or cannot think of one. E.g. Car Manufacturers; Holden, Ford, Lada, etc. Or Brownlow Medallists; Skilton, Hird, Dipierdomenico. Or words for Boobies; Yar-Yars, Funbags, Norcs. This is also a great game to play with kids as it improves word skills and vocabulary volume.

The best drinking game of all, however, is ZOOM. Beautifully constructed, intricately regulated and intoxicatingly addictive, ZOOM combines every necessary element to ensure hours of lager frenzy, full-bore, fall-over drunk fun. And then some.

The game is played thusly. A Grand Poo Bah is nominated and he or she controls the game. The Poo Bah can abdicate at any break in the game. The game is broken up into innings which are controlled by the Pooh Bah. Each innings is divided into top and bottom halves. The Grand Pooh Bah begins the frivolities by saying; "It’s the bottom of the first, the ball is live and ...( He looks into the eyes of any one player and says...) ZOOM! The play is now in the hands of the person who has been ‘zoomed’.

This player has THREE options. He can ZOOM any player except the player who has ‘zoomed’ him, he can play the ‘ball’ back to the player who ‘zoomed’ him by saying SCHWARTZ, or he can ‘sell the dummy’ by looking at another player and by saying PERFIGLIANO thus returning the ‘ball’ to the person who actually ‘zoomed’ him. Simple, eh? But wait, there’s more.
You cannot ZOOM a ZOOMER, you cannot SCHWARTZ anyone except the person who just ZOOMed you and you can only PERFIGLIANO a player other than the one who just ZOOMed, SCHWARTZed or PERFIGLIANO’d you. These indiscretions will cost you a drink. Get it? But I know you want more!

At all times during the game the following rules are in permanent effect. You cannot swear or point your finger. That’ll cost you a drink. Pointing must be effected by raising your elbow in the direction of the player you are accusing. If you are deemed to have made a false accusation, that’ll cost you a drink. Swearing because you failed to correctly accuse, that’ll cost you a drink. If your ZOOM, SCHWARTZ or PERFIGLIANO is deemed to be either ambiguous, that is, not directly directed in the exact direction of the intended recipient, or too slow, you will be found guilty of CHINESE EYES or GROSS HESITATION respectively. Either of which will cost you a drink.

In addition, the Grand Pooh Bah must correctly ‘call’ each phase of play. Beginning with the bottom of the first, he will follow with the top of the first, then the bottom of the second, top of the second, bottom of the third, top of the third, etc. He may wish to deliberately throw in a fake call – in other words, go from the top of the fifth to the bottom of the seventh for example – to either see if players are concentrating, or because he is thirsty and wants to have a drink.

The Grand Pooh Bah must also have the final verdict on any and all accusations and challenges.

This is possibly the most entertaining game to play or watch in the history of interesting games to ply or watch and can be enjoyed on many levels. The pointing, the swearing, the drinking, the gross hesitations, the tongue-twisting, the drinking, the Chinese eyes, the drinking, the Pooh Bah-ing, the falling over and the drinking. This game is not for the faint of heart. But it is fun.

Feel free to send in your own favourite drinking games and any match reviews of games you might try as a result of seeing them described here. Good luck and good drinking.

Beer Blokes.

Beer Games

We don’t like to sit on our laurels here at Beer Blokes – mainly because we don’t have any laurels. Actually we don’t really know what a laurel is. Is it a bit like a flowers? No, that’s florals. Isn’t it the fat bloke in the old movies with Hardy? Anyway, we don’t rest on them.

We begin a new series here where we will review and rate beer. What’s that I hear you say, “But Professor, you already provide some of the most insightful and informative treatises on beer in the world ever! What could you mean?” Good question and here is a good response. This time we will endeavour to document, in every detail, the wonderful world of beer games.

I have recently enjoyed some quality time with beer in the form of online beer related interactive games. And, as it always seems to do, beer got me thinking. As a young man, I enjoyed the fun and frivolity of drinking games – challenging your mates and your own limitations and looking forward to seeing who would chuck first, but I don’t want to be seen to be encouraging irresponsible consumption of alcohol in any form. Don’t need that sort of heat.

Instead, in this first instalment of the new series, I will look at online beer games only. Regular readers of this nonsense will know that I am partial to the odd product or twenty from Launceston in Tasmania – that’s the floaty-away bit underneath the land down under for our overseas readers – specifically the fine beers from J Boag & Son. Boags Draught is something of the lifeblood of the Beer Blokes Brewing Co. because it is reasonably priced, the labels come off in seconds under hot water and it is a damned fine beer. They also have a very good website.

You may have seen or heard of the Boag’s advertising initiative ‘Tester Reserve’. This is a neatly produced advertising campaign based around the average bloke signing up as a reservist taste tester for Boag’s Draught. You get some dog tags and the odd e-mail and access to a very good interactive section of the website. And you are encouraged to test beer regularly.

The first beer game is a mission simulator in which reservists must move through an animated/comic strip type scenario to get to the beer. Along the way you get harassed by bouncers at the door, the old chook selling tickets for the meat tray raffle, the pissed old bloke tellin’ stories and so on. At each interruption you have to choose from three options – one of which will move you along quickly, the others will either delay you or cost you cash, or end the simulation.

Beer Bloke Rating; Playablity – Very Easy. Fun Factor; Very High. Boobies Value – Some Cartoon Cleavage. Overall; Highly recommended.

The newest addition to the section is the Interactive Pub Crawl in which reservists just have to get to the pub. Then the next. And the next. And pick up a mate along the way. And avoid the traps like the God Botherer, the Bouncer, the Annoying Ex-Girlfriend, the dog turds and pot holes. You can also pick up extra points by collecting stubbies, dog tags, stars and stuff along the way. Slabs of Draught are also parachuted into the combat zone for added excitement and bonus points.

Easy to play, this game is a cracker. The animation/digital photo combo works a treat and the military style wargame set up is great. The only drawback is that, as the game goes on and you try to knock off the top score, the game can get ‘staggery’ and slows right down if too much is happening when you are trailing along all four mates. In fact, it becomes like a real pub crawl, in that you begin smoothly and then everything suddenly sows right down and the whole thing becomes a game of stamina instead of skill. Or itcould just be my PC.

Slabs and Draught merch are up for grabs and just getting a score in the top twenty or so is a feat to be proud of. My best is 29th so far and I am NOT happy. But I did win a shirt.

Beer Bloke Rating; Playability – Easy early on. Gets a tad annoying as you get further in. Fun Factor – Very High. A good laugh. Boobies Value – None. Overall. Recommended.

So get on board and have a crack – think carefully before deciding what to do at the pool table in the Mission Simulator! – and see what you think. Good beer fun for all.

If any Blokes out there know of any beer games – or any online games that could be beer related (like, you could have a beer whilst or after playing) let the Blokes know and we will road test them.

London Calling Part One

LONG LIVE REAL ALE 24/6/2007

Well well well (three holes in the ground). When I moved to London in February, I thought it would be a great opportunity to experience Real Ale in it’s element. But a couple of months before leaving, I started having some stranger than normal reactions to beer and after some experimentation and a chat to my doctor he strongly suggested I cut back on yeast… ‘Sorry Peter, I know it’s Christmas Eve, but Santa’s not coming this year…’ Needless to say I was gutted, and while scotch on ice has become my drink of choice, I am happy to put up with the side effects and strange looks of ordering ‘a half pint’ of any new Real Ale I haven’t had before.

The smaller quantities make me more appreciative - and appreciative I have been.
The English pub scene is massive. Compared with Australia, the volumes of alcohol consumed in pubs here are also truly amazing. I work in the heart of the finance district and most pubs are packed most nights. Rather than trying to drink their weekly quota on Saturday night as we Aussies often do, the poms are much more obliged to spread it out over the course of the week. This is certainly helped along by a more encouraging attitude towards the midweek hangover in the workplace.

While London is clearly the home of Real Ale, Londoners seem to favour the mainstream beers, particularly with a very warm Summer. Fosters (yes I know nobody drinks it in Australia), Becks and Amstel are the popular choices. Nevertheless, the Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) is alive and well, with a bubbling community out there passionate to keep Real Ale off it’s death bed. In an average English pub lager taps generally outnumber real ale hand pumps 2 to 1, but most pubs still offer multiple options from the hand pump – a great effort given the need to turnover a keg a week to maintain freshness. Depending on how it’s been looked after and the time since the keg was tapped, there is typically a lot of variety in taste of the same ale from pub to pub. However most bar staff (often coached from the other side of the bar) are pretty good at getting the best flavours out of the beer.

I’m like a kid in a candy shop, and looking forward to adding more boutiques to the list as I get out and about in the next few months. But from my 4 months on English soil, here are five which have gained my nod of approval:

Tribute Premium (Cornwall) – English Bitter – Amber smooth, with a distinctive flavour I can’t put my finger on - toffee and ‘maree biscuity’. It’s bloody great.
Timothy Taylor ‘Landlord’ (Yorkshire) – Classic Strong Pale Ale which is drinkable in many multiples. Always refreshing with lovely hoppy flavours which make it a popular regular for many.
Greene King IPA – Another lovely hoppy beer and a 3.6% ABV makes it very easy to drink. Brilliant with a curry.
Fullers London Pride (London) – London pride goes toe to toe with the big boys for popularity – meaning it’s always fresh. Probably the most mainstream Ale – but an excellent London Bitter.
Blue Anchor (Helston, Cornwall) – Brilliant little old standalone pub brewing it’s own beers. The Christmas Ale was a treat.

Real Ale is an essential part of English culture. There’s something very nostalgic about it. I can’t put a finger on why, but it just feels right having a pint of ale in a glorious old English pub. Especially when it’s cold outside. Drinkers preferences may be moving towards fizzy, ice cold beer, but something in my own gut tells me that the hearts and stomachs of English beer drinkers will never let Real Ale die.

Cheers,
Peter ‘Bear’ Behrendorff
London Correspondent

Beer Music

After filling the Commodore with petrol the other day I was standing at the till forking out the equivalent of my first mortgage payment when I saw the Impulse Buy Display. You know the sort of thing. Lollies and chocolate and cigarette lighters in the shape of hand grenades. And CDs. Really, who buys their CDs from a petrol station? "Just nickin’ down the BP for some LPG and Green Day, love!" "O.K. darl, just make sure you don’t pay any less than twice normal retail!"

One particular offering which caught my eye was Best Ever Beer Drinking Songs. Now, not sure if this means best songs to drink beer to, songs you can only listen to if you’re pissed, songs written by pissed songwriters or songs that are so shit you should use the disc as a coaster. But it got me thinking about beer, as many seemingly insignificant day-to-day things do. And I thought it would give me a chance to have the readers contribute something so that I don’t have to come up with ALL the funny stuff.

I propose starting a list of Real Beer Songs. These might be songs that are best sung when beered, or that you can only sing when blind or that contain references to beer. If you can be arsed sending something in, try to give some sort of reasoning behind your choices. It can be well known music or outside the mainstream or even something your Grandpa made up and sang to you when he got on the Singing Sauce.

A few of my personal favourites for example; Mental As Anything, The Nips are getting Bigger ... ‘Started out, just drinkin’ beer; Didn’t know how or why all the while I was doin’ it.’ Or; Weddings, Parties, Anything, ‘Rosy and Grey’; ... ‘and drink some Guinness from a tin; ‘cos my UI cheque has just come in.’ Or something simple like ACCA DACCA’s ‘ Have a drink on me.’

So pull out those old 45s and 33s - that’s record player records for the young ‘uns or your old tapes and jot down a couple of classics. We may even get a metrosexual record producer called Trentt with a poncy ponytail who smells like a girl to pay us a keg o’ cash to distribute the finished product. And our ads will have a really big disclaimer at the end; DEFINITELY NOT AVAILABLE IN PETROL STATIONS !!!